When I knew it was time to start this journey with my curly haired niece, I had prepared myself for certain things. Logical things...like more laundry, more dirty dishes, more diapers (sigh), less time for me (yes, I do squeeze in 10 minutes or so here and there!), less of me for my own kids, and even less of me for my husband. But, my theory was: Surely three kids can't be that much more demanding than two, right??
So, my washing machine is whining (Seriously!! What a great time for a belt to start giving out...), our new dishwasher is definitely getting broken in, and no, you cannot squeeze my chubby little curly haired niece into size three diapers just because I have 200+ of them here. (Note to self: put size 4 diapers on the shopping list!!) But, what I wasn't prepared for was answering questions about our current living arrangements. I mean, my husband and I believe we are doing the right thing for my curly haired niece, but what will everyone else think??
You should probably know that presenting myself (and my husband...and my kids...and my parenting skills...) as "normal" and happy and well behaved (and well...OK..."perfect" would be nice. Wrong, but nice.) has been a problem of mine. Stating here that it's a problem is a big step for me! I've just recently learned that being "imperfect" - showing (and accepting!) our weaknesses - places the power and control back where it's always been. With God.
Don't think this is an easy lesson for me to learn. Mind you, my dad has always asked me why I have to learn things the hard way, and for the life of me I still do not have an answer to his question. I mean seriously, show my weaknesses?? Are you kidding?? Don't run when my kids have a meltdown in the middle of a family gathering?? Seriously??
The answer is yes! You should try it! It's freeing really. I am not in control. I am not perfect. My kids and my parenting skills and my husband aren't perfect either (although if you ask my husband, he may tell you otherwise!) but I'm starting to be okay with that. And, I know that God loves me AND my weaknesses and that He'll never leave me alone. For me, that's a comforting thought.
But, this lesson is not an easy one for me (my dad would not be surprised that once again, I'm having to learn the hard way). Logically yes, it makes sense and yes, I believe it. But so far, I have not found the on/off switch that will keep my focus on seeking to please Him instead of seeking acceptance from others. When the day is churning away and Just Plain Jill (JPJ) goes into auto-pilot mode, it's easy to revert back to wanting to appear totally together. I mean really, does anyone want to walk through Wal-Mart like a hot mess of unorganized chaos?? So, I constantly have to reel myself back in...
Like yesterday. The three kids and I had a great day together. I figured out how to get two 20 month olds and a 3 year old packed up, in the car and off! I was so proud! We played, we laughed, and I was even able to teach my strong-willed 3 year old that it's OK if someone doesn't want her help (namely my curly haired niece). Things were going great!! Then it happened...my curly haired niece was so excited to be going down the wee (known in other circles as a slide) that in her sweet, cheery, excited little voice she screeched "MOMMY!!" and looked at me for approval and excitement of my own. I grinned from ear to ear, and waved, elated that she was having such a good time. Then my best mommy friend turned to me and in a hushed voice said, "You're letting her call you mommy!?"
It was as if the whole world froze in place. There was a deafening silence as if all eyes were on me. I heard voices (no, I'm not crazy...) chanting things like Jill, what are you doing? Are you doing this right? Are you sure you want to do it that way? Self-doubt sucked me up before I even had a chance to put up a fight! I began blubbering words to defend myself to her. I needed a pat on the back from her, but what I heard felt like criticism.
Nothing went right after that. Getting the three kids in the car was anything but perfect. My strong-willed three year old dashed for the car without lending a hand, my curly haired niece (can I say MCHN?) layed in the leaves and threw a fit because she wanted more "wee" and my little boy clung to me and started to whimper as if warning me not to even THINK about putting him down. I took a deep breath, kissed my little boy and headed to the car, keeping an eye on MCHN the whole time. There she layed, on her tummy in the leaves, looking at me, wondering what would come next. I closed the car door, two kids secure and I headed for her, arms empty. She began crying again, knowing I must mean business. I picked her up, and she squirmed and cried at the top of her lungs, "weeeeeeee, mommy...weeeeee" while we walked back to the car where the other two kids sat. The strong willed 3 year old buckled in the back (and very proud that she buckled herself I might add!) and my little boy wailing, pissed that I could actually leave him there for 45 seconds alone. All I could think about was my friends comment.
I was relieved when my husband walked through the door. We sat on the living room floor and I told him what happened. I couldn't hold back my tears. They had to come out to wash away that feeling of needing approval from other people. I was reminded that I am weak. I do not have all the answers. And that's okay. I'm doing what I think is right and doing it the best I know how. I know my friends' words were not meant as criticism...she's the most loving, patient, giving person I know. But they felt critical because I wanted to appear perfect and in control in her eyes.
As the kids played on the living room floor, each one needing mommy and daddy, I smiled at my husband knowing we still have so much to learn, and so thankful that we are doing it together.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Who's Teaching Who Here?
After welcoming my curly haired niece into our home three days ago, we've since spent 2 days coddling my baby boy (also 20 months old) who was running a high fever (and let me tell you...he's definitely a MAN when it comes to being a little under the weather!) and then I spent last night sleeping with my almost four year old daughter so I could help her run to the bathroom every couple hours and hit the toilet with her vomit. And, I'll tell you, I am completely against kids sleeping with parents or vice-a-verse, but I decided that it would be easier to sleep with her in a feeble attempt to try to control where the vomit went rather than spend all day today cleaning it up from bedding, pjs, carpet and random other objects she hit on her way to the bathroom. The good news this morning was that my devil in disguise daughter (and I say that lovingly - more on her later!) slept in this morning until 7:30 (she has a hard time staying in bed past 6 am) and the puking stopped with the break of dawn. Thank God!
So, adjusting to our new visitor will take a little time. I mean, I knew that, but still....
She's incredibly sweet. And completely funny! And, if she knows she made you laugh, she'll of course do it again and again to hear you laugh some more. Then, she'll go on these rants of babbling (and she's SO serious!) of which you cannot make out a single word. Because they aren't words. Seriously. It's baby babble. My daughter asked me, "Mom, is she talking in Spanish OR WHAT?" That's our new joke. Yes, our curly haired sweet niece speaks a language of her own. And she's so serious!
Thank you God for letting our whole family see the humor in our situation as we all try to figure out how things are supposed to work in our house now. And for me, that's a big deal. I explained to my husband that I've got to leave my control-freak tendencies behind because I know better than to think that I can control 3 kids and not lose my sanity in the process. So, instead we laugh. A lot. And as the beautiful curly haired niece babbles on and on while my baby boy is desperately clinging to my leg, whining for me to pick him up (again!) I am gently reminded of who is in control. And I feel peace.
A beautiful thing is happening between my husband and I in our attempt to gain some kind of organization and smoothness in our current chaotic state. I can't really put it into words yet, but I can say the arrival of my curly haired niece has sparked a renewed sense of partnership and respect between the two of us. What an incredible blessing that is!
The other amazing thing I've learned so far is that the human heart has an amazing capacity to love. I mean really love. That no-strings-attached, unconditional kind of love that's hard to find, and sometimes even harder to give. I was worried when I was pregnant with my son that I wouldn't have enough love for both my daughter and the new baby boy we'd be welcoming into our family. I mean I loved my daughter SO much - how could I ever love another baby at the same time with the same intensity? But it happens. And it's definitely a God thing. So of course, I wondered how I would feel when my curly haired niece arrived. Because again, I am 100% totally and completely in love with that little boy of mine! Would I have enough love to give to my beautiful niece who would be so far from her own mommy and daddy's love?? And what kind of love would it be? Would it be enough for her?? And if I gave some of my love to her, would my little guy still feel enough love of his own?? These are all legitimate questions that I really want answers to! I am worried!
One of my questions was answered the first night she stayed here. After our long drive and lots of babbling in the car, we came home and got ready for bed. I wasn't sure how she'd feel about me - would she like me or would she cry for her mommy? Would I feel the same kind of love for her the moment she arrived or would I have to grow to know her better to really love her? Then it happened. We sat in the rocker in her room that first night and she snuggled her head into my chest and gripped the back of my shirt like she was never going to let me go. We rocked as I wrapped my arms around her tightly and rocked some more. I could feel my heart growing and expanding and oozing love out onto my curly haired niece. That quick. Seriously! She must have felt it too. Without a peep, she layed her head down on a pillow in a strange new bed, in a strange new room after laying her head on a strange new shoulder and fell peacefully to sleep. The bond that's been created is mysterious and amazing. It might take us a little while to work the kinks out in our daily routine, but it's so worth it. Who knew my curly haired niece could teach us all so much.
So, adjusting to our new visitor will take a little time. I mean, I knew that, but still....
She's incredibly sweet. And completely funny! And, if she knows she made you laugh, she'll of course do it again and again to hear you laugh some more. Then, she'll go on these rants of babbling (and she's SO serious!) of which you cannot make out a single word. Because they aren't words. Seriously. It's baby babble. My daughter asked me, "Mom, is she talking in Spanish OR WHAT?" That's our new joke. Yes, our curly haired sweet niece speaks a language of her own. And she's so serious!
Thank you God for letting our whole family see the humor in our situation as we all try to figure out how things are supposed to work in our house now. And for me, that's a big deal. I explained to my husband that I've got to leave my control-freak tendencies behind because I know better than to think that I can control 3 kids and not lose my sanity in the process. So, instead we laugh. A lot. And as the beautiful curly haired niece babbles on and on while my baby boy is desperately clinging to my leg, whining for me to pick him up (again!) I am gently reminded of who is in control. And I feel peace.
A beautiful thing is happening between my husband and I in our attempt to gain some kind of organization and smoothness in our current chaotic state. I can't really put it into words yet, but I can say the arrival of my curly haired niece has sparked a renewed sense of partnership and respect between the two of us. What an incredible blessing that is!
The other amazing thing I've learned so far is that the human heart has an amazing capacity to love. I mean really love. That no-strings-attached, unconditional kind of love that's hard to find, and sometimes even harder to give. I was worried when I was pregnant with my son that I wouldn't have enough love for both my daughter and the new baby boy we'd be welcoming into our family. I mean I loved my daughter SO much - how could I ever love another baby at the same time with the same intensity? But it happens. And it's definitely a God thing. So of course, I wondered how I would feel when my curly haired niece arrived. Because again, I am 100% totally and completely in love with that little boy of mine! Would I have enough love to give to my beautiful niece who would be so far from her own mommy and daddy's love?? And what kind of love would it be? Would it be enough for her?? And if I gave some of my love to her, would my little guy still feel enough love of his own?? These are all legitimate questions that I really want answers to! I am worried!
One of my questions was answered the first night she stayed here. After our long drive and lots of babbling in the car, we came home and got ready for bed. I wasn't sure how she'd feel about me - would she like me or would she cry for her mommy? Would I feel the same kind of love for her the moment she arrived or would I have to grow to know her better to really love her? Then it happened. We sat in the rocker in her room that first night and she snuggled her head into my chest and gripped the back of my shirt like she was never going to let me go. We rocked as I wrapped my arms around her tightly and rocked some more. I could feel my heart growing and expanding and oozing love out onto my curly haired niece. That quick. Seriously! She must have felt it too. Without a peep, she layed her head down on a pillow in a strange new bed, in a strange new room after laying her head on a strange new shoulder and fell peacefully to sleep. The bond that's been created is mysterious and amazing. It might take us a little while to work the kinks out in our daily routine, but it's so worth it. Who knew my curly haired niece could teach us all so much.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Hi, I'm Just Plain Jill
My job interview was fabulous on Wednesday morning. They offered me the job, and I accepted. By 10 a.m. on Wednesday I was "gainfully employed" with the job I'd always wanted, set to start this coming Monday. My heart raced while I began the phone calls to put into place the wonderful and perfect arrangements I'd made for my kiddos once I knew it was time for me to go back to working outside the home. I mean, let's face it, I'm a bit of a control freak and I wouldn't be going back to work if I didn't have the perfect arrangements for my kids. That makes me a good mom. Right? Well anyway, then the phone rang. Long story short, they informed me that they could not hire me after all, because I did not have 1 year experience in the field.
I was dumbfounded. Really. Speechless.
My jaw hung open as the silence on the other end of the phone stung my ears. How could this be happening? Was it a joke?? The recruiter had my resume for several weeks and it clearly shows my experience (or lack there-of!) in this field. They appeared OK with this idea when they called me in for the interview, then they were OK with it again at the interview when they offered me the position. I was confused. All I could utter was a meek, "okay" to the woman on the other end of the line. Her response was a quick and quiet, "goodbye".
Did that really just happen?? Seriously?? This was my dream job that FOUND ME!! I didn't pursue it, but I sure did get wrapped up in it and was set and prepared to run with it once it was handed to me! I pondered all day about what God could be trying to teach me. Was this job an "idol" as we had discussed this week my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group?? (Since you weren't there, let me elaborate: We talked about identifying idols in our lives. That even the most honorable things, like children, spouse, JOB, etc….are born out of our desire to control. But the truth is, the HE is in control!! We just tend to forget at times...well, I do anyway.) OK, so was I making this job an "idol"?? And if so, couldn't He have taught me the lesson in a little less DREADFUL kind of way????
Or, perhaps He was trying to teach me about money. If I hadn't asked for the extra 50 cents an hour, the recruiter wouldn't have had to get the approval from the General Manager to hire me. I would have filled out the paperwork right there in the office accepting the position at the salary they offered, and it would have been a done deal. But instead, I tried to squeeze 50 cents more an hour out of them (I mean, I have daycare to pay for for two preschoolers, right??!!) so the General Manager then reviewed my file and brought up my lack of experience in the field. Damn it Jill, I told myself. I hope that 50 cents an hour was worth it. With head hung low from a very heavy heart and unsure of what the real lesson was for me here, I accepted my reality:
On one sunny Wednesday morning, I went from being a "stay-at-home-mom" (also referred to as SAHM), to "YES! I've-FINALLY-got-my-dream-job!" (which could be referred to as YIFGMDJ), to "Wow, did-I-ever-blow-that-one..." (maybe WDIEBTO?) and finally to accepting that I should probably make the most out of being "Just-Plain-Jill" (JPJ) and move on. For every one's sake...
And then it happened. Yet another teaching moment from God.
On Friday (two short days after going from SAHM to YIFGMDJ to WDIEBTO and finally to JPJ), I received a phone call from my sister, in Nebraska. To provide some background, my other sister (she's my littlest sister, also in Nebraska), has been struggling to find a suitable job, was evicted from her apartment and is finding comfort and companionship with the wrong type of people in this very difficult time. My niece, (20 months old with beautiful curly hair), is suffering because of her mother's decisions. My entire family has been watching closely and I've been praying like crazy that my sister will find courage and strength to care for her daughter.
Back up one more day. Thursday night (yep, the day after going from SAHM to YI...well, you get the idea...), my littlest sister said she had to work, and she left my curly-haired niece with my curly-haired niece's father for the night (they are not married and do not live together). She didn't return Friday morning to pick up my niece as planned. Nor did she actually have to work Thursday night, which we all learned later. This was just another in a long string of commitments she has made to her daughter and not followed through with. My extended family agreed it was time to step in to help my curly haired niece and provide her with a safe, loving environment. After a call to my husband for a serious sanity check (!) I began making plans to remove my curly-haired niece from the care of her mother. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made.
My curly-haired niece is home with us now, sleeping peacefully. What today, or tomorrow, or the next day will bring I'm not sure, but I'm trying to remind myself that He will guide me each step of the way.
I was dumbfounded. Really. Speechless.
My jaw hung open as the silence on the other end of the phone stung my ears. How could this be happening? Was it a joke?? The recruiter had my resume for several weeks and it clearly shows my experience (or lack there-of!) in this field. They appeared OK with this idea when they called me in for the interview, then they were OK with it again at the interview when they offered me the position. I was confused. All I could utter was a meek, "okay" to the woman on the other end of the line. Her response was a quick and quiet, "goodbye".
Did that really just happen?? Seriously?? This was my dream job that FOUND ME!! I didn't pursue it, but I sure did get wrapped up in it and was set and prepared to run with it once it was handed to me! I pondered all day about what God could be trying to teach me. Was this job an "idol" as we had discussed this week my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group?? (Since you weren't there, let me elaborate: We talked about identifying idols in our lives. That even the most honorable things, like children, spouse, JOB, etc….are born out of our desire to control. But the truth is, the HE is in control!! We just tend to forget at times...well, I do anyway.) OK, so was I making this job an "idol"?? And if so, couldn't He have taught me the lesson in a little less DREADFUL kind of way????
Or, perhaps He was trying to teach me about money. If I hadn't asked for the extra 50 cents an hour, the recruiter wouldn't have had to get the approval from the General Manager to hire me. I would have filled out the paperwork right there in the office accepting the position at the salary they offered, and it would have been a done deal. But instead, I tried to squeeze 50 cents more an hour out of them (I mean, I have daycare to pay for for two preschoolers, right??!!) so the General Manager then reviewed my file and brought up my lack of experience in the field. Damn it Jill, I told myself. I hope that 50 cents an hour was worth it. With head hung low from a very heavy heart and unsure of what the real lesson was for me here, I accepted my reality:
On one sunny Wednesday morning, I went from being a "stay-at-home-mom" (also referred to as SAHM), to "YES! I've-FINALLY-got-my-dream-job!" (which could be referred to as YIFGMDJ), to "Wow, did-I-ever-blow-that-one..." (maybe WDIEBTO?) and finally to accepting that I should probably make the most out of being "Just-Plain-Jill" (JPJ) and move on. For every one's sake...
And then it happened. Yet another teaching moment from God.
On Friday (two short days after going from SAHM to YIFGMDJ to WDIEBTO and finally to JPJ), I received a phone call from my sister, in Nebraska. To provide some background, my other sister (she's my littlest sister, also in Nebraska), has been struggling to find a suitable job, was evicted from her apartment and is finding comfort and companionship with the wrong type of people in this very difficult time. My niece, (20 months old with beautiful curly hair), is suffering because of her mother's decisions. My entire family has been watching closely and I've been praying like crazy that my sister will find courage and strength to care for her daughter.
Back up one more day. Thursday night (yep, the day after going from SAHM to YI...well, you get the idea...), my littlest sister said she had to work, and she left my curly-haired niece with my curly-haired niece's father for the night (they are not married and do not live together). She didn't return Friday morning to pick up my niece as planned. Nor did she actually have to work Thursday night, which we all learned later. This was just another in a long string of commitments she has made to her daughter and not followed through with. My extended family agreed it was time to step in to help my curly haired niece and provide her with a safe, loving environment. After a call to my husband for a serious sanity check (!) I began making plans to remove my curly-haired niece from the care of her mother. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made.
My curly-haired niece is home with us now, sleeping peacefully. What today, or tomorrow, or the next day will bring I'm not sure, but I'm trying to remind myself that He will guide me each step of the way.
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