When I knew it was time to start this journey with my curly haired niece, I had prepared myself for certain things. Logical things...like more laundry, more dirty dishes, more diapers (sigh), less time for me (yes, I do squeeze in 10 minutes or so here and there!), less of me for my own kids, and even less of me for my husband. But, my theory was: Surely three kids can't be that much more demanding than two, right??
So, my washing machine is whining (Seriously!! What a great time for a belt to start giving out...), our new dishwasher is definitely getting broken in, and no, you cannot squeeze my chubby little curly haired niece into size three diapers just because I have 200+ of them here. (Note to self: put size 4 diapers on the shopping list!!) But, what I wasn't prepared for was answering questions about our current living arrangements. I mean, my husband and I believe we are doing the right thing for my curly haired niece, but what will everyone else think??
You should probably know that presenting myself (and my husband...and my kids...and my parenting skills...) as "normal" and happy and well behaved (and well...OK..."perfect" would be nice. Wrong, but nice.) has been a problem of mine. Stating here that it's a problem is a big step for me! I've just recently learned that being "imperfect" - showing (and accepting!) our weaknesses - places the power and control back where it's always been. With God.
Don't think this is an easy lesson for me to learn. Mind you, my dad has always asked me why I have to learn things the hard way, and for the life of me I still do not have an answer to his question. I mean seriously, show my weaknesses?? Are you kidding?? Don't run when my kids have a meltdown in the middle of a family gathering?? Seriously??
The answer is yes! You should try it! It's freeing really. I am not in control. I am not perfect. My kids and my parenting skills and my husband aren't perfect either (although if you ask my husband, he may tell you otherwise!) but I'm starting to be okay with that. And, I know that God loves me AND my weaknesses and that He'll never leave me alone. For me, that's a comforting thought.
But, this lesson is not an easy one for me (my dad would not be surprised that once again, I'm having to learn the hard way). Logically yes, it makes sense and yes, I believe it. But so far, I have not found the on/off switch that will keep my focus on seeking to please Him instead of seeking acceptance from others. When the day is churning away and Just Plain Jill (JPJ) goes into auto-pilot mode, it's easy to revert back to wanting to appear totally together. I mean really, does anyone want to walk through Wal-Mart like a hot mess of unorganized chaos?? So, I constantly have to reel myself back in...
Like yesterday. The three kids and I had a great day together. I figured out how to get two 20 month olds and a 3 year old packed up, in the car and off! I was so proud! We played, we laughed, and I was even able to teach my strong-willed 3 year old that it's OK if someone doesn't want her help (namely my curly haired niece). Things were going great!! Then it happened...my curly haired niece was so excited to be going down the wee (known in other circles as a slide) that in her sweet, cheery, excited little voice she screeched "MOMMY!!" and looked at me for approval and excitement of my own. I grinned from ear to ear, and waved, elated that she was having such a good time. Then my best mommy friend turned to me and in a hushed voice said, "You're letting her call you mommy!?"
It was as if the whole world froze in place. There was a deafening silence as if all eyes were on me. I heard voices (no, I'm not crazy...) chanting things like Jill, what are you doing? Are you doing this right? Are you sure you want to do it that way? Self-doubt sucked me up before I even had a chance to put up a fight! I began blubbering words to defend myself to her. I needed a pat on the back from her, but what I heard felt like criticism.
Nothing went right after that. Getting the three kids in the car was anything but perfect. My strong-willed three year old dashed for the car without lending a hand, my curly haired niece (can I say MCHN?) layed in the leaves and threw a fit because she wanted more "wee" and my little boy clung to me and started to whimper as if warning me not to even THINK about putting him down. I took a deep breath, kissed my little boy and headed to the car, keeping an eye on MCHN the whole time. There she layed, on her tummy in the leaves, looking at me, wondering what would come next. I closed the car door, two kids secure and I headed for her, arms empty. She began crying again, knowing I must mean business. I picked her up, and she squirmed and cried at the top of her lungs, "weeeeeeee, mommy...weeeeee" while we walked back to the car where the other two kids sat. The strong willed 3 year old buckled in the back (and very proud that she buckled herself I might add!) and my little boy wailing, pissed that I could actually leave him there for 45 seconds alone. All I could think about was my friends comment.
I was relieved when my husband walked through the door. We sat on the living room floor and I told him what happened. I couldn't hold back my tears. They had to come out to wash away that feeling of needing approval from other people. I was reminded that I am weak. I do not have all the answers. And that's okay. I'm doing what I think is right and doing it the best I know how. I know my friends' words were not meant as criticism...she's the most loving, patient, giving person I know. But they felt critical because I wanted to appear perfect and in control in her eyes.
As the kids played on the living room floor, each one needing mommy and daddy, I smiled at my husband knowing we still have so much to learn, and so thankful that we are doing it together.
No comments:
Post a Comment