Moving Ahead

Yes, I AM still alive, despite the fact that I've let two long weeks go by since my last post.  Shame on me!

I must admit though, you may not have wanted to hear from me these last couple of weeks!  My frustration level was high and the roller coaster that is my journey was pushing me up and down and round and round.  I use the word pushing because I was literally fighting at every curve and hill.  Not the fight or flight kind of feeling that overcomes you when you yourself are in danger, but the motherly instinct that kicks in when you feel your children are in danger.  Let me tell you, it was exhausting!!  I hope you understand the type of fighting I'm explaining here, because it is the key to the feelings of frustration that have kept me away from this blog and had me trapped in the car of that roller coaster even though I wanted OUT.  I was done with the damn ride already!

When MCHN (My Curly Haired Niece) came to stay with us on January 27th, my heart understood it was a temporary arrangement to keep my sister's daughter out of harms way.  Because I am a mother, this made sense to me, and I hoped someone would have the love and courage to do the same for my own children if, God forbid, the need ever arose.

I lived the adventure of each day pretty routinely.  By "routinely," I mean I changed the diapers, poured the milk, gave the baths and did all that needed to be done to physically care for MCHN.  At times it felt like I had opened a daycare facility (which would be absolutely CRAZY, by the way...so don't be getting any ideas...) and at other times I could feel our family going through growing pains, knowing this was more than some routine adventure.

Unknowingly, I had a guard up around my heart, so that I would not grow too attached to MCHN in the event that her mother would come knocking on my door or calling me on the phone to say, "Thanks for taking care of her.  I'm ready to have her back now."  My intention was to remain neutral in my feelings for MCHN so that if and when this moment came, I would be able to handle it in a business-like way and calmly say, "Okay.  I'll get her things for you." 

Nobody told me this guard has a fairly short shelf life.  Before I knew it I was kissing her and tickling her and telling her I love her just like I do to my own kids.  Before I knew it, she was one of my own kids and that protection instinct that a mother has kicked into high gear.  I wasn't just caring for the physical needs of MCHN anymore, I was caring for her emotionally too.  After two months and no contact from my sister for the past 6 weeks, it was time for some answers so that we could all move ahead instead of playing in this limbo land we were in.

So, I began to get frustrated after my last post.  I always said I'd know when it was time for something to change, and I hoped God would give me the courage to take the steps needed to make the change come to fruition.  My battles with the NSHSW (Not So Helpful Social Worker) from SRS increased my frustration and added a level of fear.  She was insistent that MCHN would be removed from my home and placed in foster care if the state filed a Child in Need of Care petition.  Mind you, I was warned by an attorney that she'd threaten me by using the foster care card.  But, he said, the last thing the state wants is to remove a child from a loving home where her needs are being met to place her in foster care and have to pay state dollars for her care.  But, the NSHSW actually raised her voice to me when we'd have conversations about the possibility of MCHN going to foster care.  "SHE WILL BE REMOVED FROM YOUR HOME!" she shouted.  "ARE YOU OKAY WITH THAT?!"  Up the giant hill of the roller coaster I went, clickety clack, clickety clack, and as I crested over the top of the hill, unable to see any other option than to take the risk of MCHN going to foster care...

I called that attorney back. 

The risk of MCHN going to foster care was just more than I could take!!  I needed some reassurance from the attorney that the NSHSW was just blowing smoke and that MCHN would NOT be removed from my home and taken to foster care as she insisted.  The attorney's voicemail said he was on vacation for 3 more days.  But I didn't have three days to wait!  If I didn't have the state file the petition, they were going to close MCHN's file.  Kind of like a "poop or get off the pot" sort of stance.  Nice, huh?

In my state of panic, I called the only other attorney that answered my calls earlier in this process.  His assistant, Kathy, talked me through my options.  She had the voice of a friend, rather than an attorney's assistant; patient, kind and sincere.  "Maybe providing your sister with Consent for Adoption forms will give her the opportunity to do what's right for her daughter, without having to face anyone and explain her decisions."  Could it really be that easy?, I wondered.  With my only other option being the state and possible foster care, it felt right to get paperwork ready, and try to approach my sister this way. 

The state proceeded to close their file on MCHN.  If this subtle yet direct approach with my sister didn't work, I'd have to begin again, at the beginning (EEK!) with the state. 

The day after the state closed MCHN's file, my sister agreed to relinquish her parental rights by signing the Consent for Adoption paper.  I wasn't there to witness her pain, but I can imagine the gaping hole in her heart where her little girl once lived.  

I shouted "HOORAY!"

And then I cried.

And then I fell, exhausted, into my husband's open arms and sobbed. 

I sobbed for my sister, who made one of the hardest decisions of her life.  I sobbed for my extended family, who have been torn apart by all of this.  I sobbed for my four year old daughter, who called MCHN her sister to a boy on the playground that we've never met before.  I sobbed for my son, who now will have a "twin" to share the rest of his life with.  I sobbed for MCHN, who calls me mommy and my husband daddy and who smiles at us like she's never known any different.  



My emotions are crazy and, if I'm not careful, it's easy to get caught up in the hoop-la. 

But I can see the light at the end of the hoop-la tunnel...

and to me, its beautiful.

Why Quit While You're Ahead?!

There are certain things that I'd never PLAN on doing with all the kids.  I mean, I AM a mom, and I AM capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for sometimes, but still.  A mom has to know her own limitations. 

So, in my ongoing attempts to organize and contain our chaos, I tend to PLAN certain activities for times when I can set us all up for success.  For example, I PLANNED my upcoming 4 year old's visit to the dentist when my mom is here to watch the two little ones.  I can only imagine what kind of chaos we'd impose on our unsuspecting dentist's office if I brought my two curly haired little ones to their office to "watch" as our 4 year old got her teeth cleaned. Just thinking about it makes me shutter.

The doctor's office is another example.  What crazy mom makes a routine check up at the doctor's office with a dozen kids in tow?!  Seriously - that's a momma that's just ASKING for trouble!!  Not this momma.  Nope.  I'd schedule that appointment for a time when whichever little ones weren't being poked and prodded could take their potential chaos to another place with another person.  That's just the way I roll.  I know my limitations and I'm okay with them.

But, what happens when an UNscheduled visit to a doctor has to happen?  I know...the thought of it terrified me, too!!  There was no time to call in reinforcements on such short notice, but after a call to speak to the nurse, she said I HAD to bring my blue eyed boy (MBEB) in to be seen...NOW!

But...

But...

Yep, all the "buts" in the world couldn't get me out of this.  MBEB (my blue eyed boy) needed to be seen right away and I had no choice but to take MCHN along for the ride.  And what a ride it was!

I was surprisingly calm while I got the kids and their stuff ready.  (I'd call this The Calm Before the Storm.)  I mean, I didn't really have a choice, right?  So, it had to be done and I was the momma to do it.  I sucked it up and trudged on, pushing the horrifying "what if" thoughts to the back crevices of my mind. 

The waiting area was great - both kids dove right into all the toys.  But, in no time at all, they called our name and Chaos #1 hit.  MCHN had just discovered the puzzles and wasn't about to put them down yet.  If you've ever tried to corral twins, it wouldn't surprise you that at the most inconvenient times, those twins will run in OPPOSITE directions.  Yep.  And FAST.  There's no sense in trying to chase after them either.  You HAVE to outsmart them to win, which isn't always easy.  So, MBEB ran toward the nice nurse calling our name while MCHN threw a tantrum because she felt she was being forced to leave the puzzle table.  Fabulous.  Well, at least everyone knew we were there.  I tried to smile.

We enter our little room - CLOSE THAT DOOR!  Aaaahhh, containment and peace settles in.  Two seconds later I hear, "Let's go see how much you weigh!" from the unsuspecting nurse to MBEB.  Seriously??  Now, you know as well as I do that once we open that door, MCHN will beeline it to that damn puzzle table again.  But, what could I do??  Again, I didn't have a choice.  I sucked it up and trudged on.

As the door opened, MCHN was the first one out.  She looked left, then right, as if looking for which way to dash first.  The nurse said, "Let's go this way!" in a great, motivating kid-like voice and voila!  MCHN followed right behind.  Like the little girl who just threw the tantrum in the waiting room was an entirely different little girl.  Amazing!

Weight done and back to the room we go.  Whew! 

Nurse leaves and says the doc will be in shortly.  What is the definition of shortly?  Seriously?!?  In two seconds flat, Chaos #2 begins.  The kids had all 30 books dumped out of the crate in our little room and found the big block to climb on to get up on the table.  MBEB ran from table to the mini blinds, banging the metal slats against the window until they made enough noise to satisfy his curiosity, then back to the table top he climbed.  MCHN followed quickly behind, not wanting to miss a minute of the fun.  But whose fun was this really?

MCHN stepped in front of MBEB which obviously didn't sit well with him.  Evidently since this was HIS doctor visit, he felt HE should be line leader in any ruckus that would ensue.  I could see it coming...I could see trouble in his eyes.  Uh-oh.  I lunged toward MBEB as he reached his arms out towards MCHN and grabbed two handfuls of her curls and tugged.  She screamed at the top of her lungs (not an unusual occurrence), and all talking that was going on in the office outside our door ceased.  I'm sure they thought someone was about to die.  In comes the doc.

From that moment on, they were the most well behaved little 22 month olds I had ever seen!!  Even I was proud!  Could it be possible they thought the blood curdling scream came from another room perhaps??  I could only hope.



HOORAY!



We left the doctors office, script in hand to fix up MBEB, and off we went.  I did it!  I survived an unscheduled visit to the doctors office with two kids who throw temper tantrums at the drop of a hat.  We were all still alive and I still had a smile on my face. 

HOORAY!!


It's OK to basque in your own glory.  God knows we all deserve it at times!  But just remember that ounce of courage may propel you to take on yet another challenge that you otherwise might not have.  CHOOSE YOUR CHALLENGES WISELY!!  REMEMBER YOUR LIMITATIONS!! 

I was floating on momma cloud nine, impressed that I had it in me to gracefully make our way through Chaos #1 and Chaos #2.  Cloud nine gets me in trouble every time!

I decide I'll take the little ones to dinner.  I mean, seriously, I just conquered the doctor's office, how hard could dinner be, right?!  We walk in to a new sushi place that I just adore.  We are the only ones in the restaurant and it is EXTREMELY quiet.  I look at the host and say, "Wow, it's pretty quiet in here."  He smiles and nods.  "You guys are going to LOVE us here!" I say sarcastically, a little under my breath.  The host laughs as does the two cooks behind the sushi bar.  Wow, it really is quiet in there!

I've packed some goodies for the little ones, but figure they'll try what I'm eating too.  When I bring sushi home, MBEB loves it, and seriously, what DOESN'T MCHN eat?!  (Remember those chubby little thighs I talk about??)  Anyway, I order from a waiter whose eyes are bugging outta his head looking at us all.  I just smile at him, reassuring him that I've got this.  At least I think I do...

Until MBEB decides he wants down.  He never asks to get down at a restaurant!  He's great in his highchair with food and toys!  But no, this time he wants DOWN and DOWN NOW.  I ignore him, hoping my strategy will work, and I get a bite of my volcano roll (one of his favorites) ready on my chopsticks for him.  WHAM!  He smacks it back at me and there goes conch, crab meat, rice and red tobiko flying.  Where does it land?  On my freshly pedicured toes resting innocently in the sandals I was so excited to wear.  Now I have a wet, sticky mess in my shoe, between my toes and what does MBEB have to say about it?  "DOWN".  Ugh.

I speed up my own dinner, knowing this experience needs to come to a close quickly because Chaos #3 was just around the corner.  I chug my Sapporo (go momma go!) and get things cleaned up.  The kids haven't eaten 5 bites of anything between them...these two who usually eat me out of house and home.  Go figure.  They're chucking toys left and right as I'm trying to sign the check and put things back in my bag.  Please God, just let me get out of here unscathed.  I promise I won't try this again any time soon!!

That prayer was answered.  I learned I was good (I made it through the doc visit!), but I wasn't THAT good.  However, if I had quit while I was ahead, I would have never known my limitations.  I'd rather try and fail than never have tried at all.  Besides, I'm stubborn.  I learn the hard way, remember?  So, I'll be trying dinner with the "twins" again sometime...but not anytime soon!!

 

Mr. and Mrs. Innocent

On a MUCH Lighter Note...

Yesterday's post was heavy.

And, let's face it, it's a heavy subject matter.  If you are a mother, you know that nothing can weigh you down like the weight of a child's needs that you try and try but just cannot make happen.

So, I'm not going to apologize for the heaviness, nor will I apologize for the cynical sarcasm that reared it's ugly head throughout yesterday's post.  My guess is that you read this blog because you care, or because perhaps you can relate in some way, or maybe just because hearing about my attempts at organizing our chaos brings a smile to your face.  Whatever the reason, I trust that you will weed through the emotional content as needed and come out on the other side still caring, still relating and still smiling.



OK, so, what I AM going to do today is share a funny story.

 

HOORAY!!



My husband and I took the three kids to dinner this past Thursday evening.  It's our usual Friday night routine, bumped up a day due to TFVTW (The Family Vacation That Wasn't).  We're smart enough to know, even with just two kids, that some places are more appropriate to bring our preschool clan to than others.  For example, Olive Garden is way too quiet and they tend to seat people like us in a back corner somewhere.  Which is okay, but it's a long walk to the door when it's time to leave and kids are screaming like banshees because dinner took a little longer than usual and we're getting into their bedtimes.  (Yep, been there more than once.  Lesson learned - the hard way, of course!)

So, we're waiting for dinner at a usual spot, kids are behaving like children rather than wild animals (always a plus!) and the noise from the tv's is at a decibel that will surely stifle the occasional scream from a well-behaved child who for some reason may not get their way.  An older gentleman takes a liking to MCHN and keeps turning around to smile at her.  She first plays the "I don't see you" card by turning her head quickly to look at a television mounted to the wall.  I have to laugh, because she watches the television with a completely straight face and like she's really interested in what's on, but the truth is, it's a basketball game, and I know better.  I put my arm around her, aware that this gentleman would really like to see her smile at him, and let her know it's alright.

With my arm around her, she gets a little more bold, letting her eyes meet with the gentleman's eyes for a little longer before, once again, turning her head to catch the basketball game.  She's got this down to a tee!  With a lot of encouragement from me, he finally gets a smile which breaks the ice and the man comes to our table.  "These all yours?!"  he asks my husband and I, referring to the kids.  We both smile at him and nod.  The look on his face says he's amazed and just really captivated by MCHN.  The gentleman goes back to sit with his friend, they both chuckle and look back to our table.  Old men just love little kids.

Dinner goes on without any disasters, melt downs or temper tantrums.  YES!  As we're packing up to leave, the gentleman's friend comes over to me and asks, "How far apart are they?"  My husband is already walking to the door with the girls, and I don't even hesitate when I answer, "two weeks." 

He's shocked. 

The look on his face says either a)  I've had too many drinks to understand what this lady just said or b) this lady is crazy!  I smile at his confusion and simply say, "It's a long story," as I leave with my baby boy in tow.  The gentleman's friend is smiling back at me, but still so confused that I make a mental note that this is going to be a good story to share.

Truth is, I assumed at some point, some day, if the need arose, it might be easier for my husband and I to get our stories straight.  I mean, the little ones are close enough in age (two weeks apart) that to a stranger, they'd probably assume they are twins.  So, would we want to correct a stranger who says something about our twins and go into the whole long story, or just go with it??  I hadn't really put much thought into it...until that moment.

We get to the car, get everyone buckled in and I tell my husband about how I shocked the gentleman's friend.  My husband laughs and says, "Well yah, I'll tell you why the poor old men are so confused!!  The first gentleman asked me if they were twins...and I said yes!" 

Twins or not, the smiles are what's important, not so much the story.

So I'm sure the first gentleman, while he chuckled and looked at us all at the table, told his old friend that he was admiring the "twins."  When his friend asked me later how far apart they were, he was obviously expecting me to answer in minutes rather than weeks.  Looking back on it, I don't think I'd have changed a thing.  You should have seen the look on that old man's face!!



A Plea From One Mother to Another

I've prayed so hard in the last 24 hours that I think God probably believes I'm stalking Him.  But, that's a good thing, right?  I mean, seriously, if you're going to be a stalker, you might as well set your sights on someone like Him, right???

Okay, so a stalker is not born overnight.  Let me fill you in on what pushed me over the edge...

First of all, The Family Vacation That Wasn't (TFVTW) started today.  Yep, our family is split right down the middle with several hundred miles in between us.  This in itself sets a certain tone for me.  You know, that sad, "what am I going to do with out you" thing mixed with the "HOORAY!  They're gone!!"  (Please don't them I said that!)  I'm telling you, the roller coaster of emotions leading up to the good-bye this morning was enough to send me crawling back to bed!  Then, to top off the roller coaster, my angel of a "almost four-year-old's" birthday falls during TFVTW (The Family Vacation That Wasn't)! Yes, that's the sad part!!  My baby girl's fourth birthday and I will not be there!!!  So, I asked her if she will miss me since I'm not going on vacation with her and daddy.  Her words - EXACTLY - "No.  But...you're going to miss my birthday.  It's going to be at the beach!"  I wanted to burst into tears, but her little eyes sparkled with so much excitement that I just couldn't bear to let my tears ruin the excitement she had for her birthday.  So, I sniffled and walked away with a smile on my face and wiped the tears away where she couldn't see me.   And off they went.

Sigh...

Now, let's go back to yesterday...

The Not So Helpful Social Worker (NSHSW) from SRS had her second visit (required, I guess) with MCHN yesterday.  Not only did she answer my questions by using riddles, but she also had no words of wisdom for me about our current situation with MCHN.  If any of you out there work for a state agency, I apologize if what I say in this post offends you.  But...is it SRS's job to play games and give people a song and dance in order to frustrate them so that they no longer want to be engaged in the services of the SRS??  SERIOUSLY!!! 

Hmm - it seems my usual sarcasm has a cynical edge today...hate to break it to you, but you'll either have to deal with it or stop reading now because I'm not sure where exactly that cynical sarcasm is going to pop up in my post today.  So, read on at your own risk!

What??  Kangaroo Crossing??  Okay, I was trying to find an appropriate "warning sign" for sarcasm and cynicism to put here...but in the process, I ran across a kangaroo crossing sign and it made me laugh!  HA!!  Hope you get a chuckle too, but remember, I'm not apologizing anymore today for my attitude..  =)

Okay, on with the rest of the story about the day the NSHSW (Not So Helpful Social Worker) pushed me to become a stalker.

It's my understanding (again, only after trying to decipher her riddles have I come to this conclusion) that according to SRS definition, MCHN is considered "abandoned" by her parents at this point.  However, because my husband and I have a power of attorney and can provide her with medical insurance, SRS also considers MCHN safe and taken care of.  "What?!" I ask the NSHSW.  Basically SRS cannot do anything at this point because MCHN is being taken care of by an appropriate caregiver.  But you can't just let the parents off the hook that easy!  Who's going to step in to help her parents figure out how to care for MCHN or terminate their parental rights??  She won't talk to any of us!!  Isn't it now a job for SRS??

With tensions rising between the NSHSW and me, I ask her if I need to leave MCHN sitting on the corner somewhere before SRS will get involved.  The answer?  Pretty much, yes.

Or, I quickly decipher another riddle from the NSHSW.  If my husband and I are no longer willing/able to take care of MCHN, then, the NSHSW explains, SRS can file a "Child in Need of Care" petition for MCHN.  SRS then works with the parents to try to reintegrate MCHN with them.  Okay, now we're getting somewhere. 

The details of this petition are about the only thing the NSHSW doesn't explain in riddles.  There's a hearing.  The parents (if they willingly participate) come up with a plan for reintegration.  SRS monitors the parents plan.  If all goes well and the agreed upon plan is accomplished, MCHN would go back home to her parents.  A year of follow ups by SRS would ensure the reintegration goes as planned. 

On the other hand, if her parents do not complete the plan, or do not chose to participate in a plan for reintegration, a permanent placement would be sought for MCHN.  Have I lost you yet??  Hold on to your pants, my friends, here's the kicker:

Upon filing the Child in Need of Care petition, SRS may require MCHN to go to a foster home.  SERIOUSLY??  Are you kidding me??  I am willing and able to provide MCHN with a safe, loving home while these court proceedings take place, but they would rather remove her from my care and place her in a foster home??  What will that accomplish???  And, who would that be good for??  Certainly NOT MCHN, who is the most important part of this whole ordeal!

Remember my post at the end of last week?  It was my "p.s" post.  Well, here's where this story gets complicated (I think).  The NSHSW gave me a list of 3 attorneys to contact should we chose to handle this privately rather than going through SRS.  I finally received a call back from the very first attorney I left a message with (at 3:30 on a Friday, no less!)  He was very informative and very candid.  He's been dealing with these kinds of cases for the past twenty years.  Last Friday, I felt like he had literally saved me.  Seriously!  He said the NSHSW wasn't talking in riddles because she wanted to, but more because she had to.   Being a state worker, she isn't allowed to give legal advice or make any kinds of promises about how the court system will handle MCHN's case.  Okay, that makes sense.  Then he said something profound. 

"Now I understand why [the NSHSW] gave you my name.  She knew I would tell you how this process really works."  

And boy did he!

He warned me that she'll make the SRS process sound awful and that I'll probably get frustrated at her because she won't answer my questions.  Yep.

He said that she'll say MCHN will have to go to foster care which, he explained, is completely accurate.  The judge CAN decide to send MCHN to foster care and the state of KS will cut a check to the private company who now runs the foster system for the state.  OR the judge can decide to leave MCHN right where she is, where she is comfortable and safe, and not have to pay a penny.  Which do you think the judge will decide to do??

Well, my friends, that is the question that turned me into a stalker.

The attorney assured me that in twenty years of handling these cases, he's never had a client have a child go to foster care instead of staying with the family caregiver. Ever.  In twenty years.  But, listening to the NSHSW was so unsettling!!  I just couldn't live with myself if MCHN went to a foster home!!

So, I called my sister, MCHN's mother, the second the NSHSW left my house yesterday.  MCHN will go to foster care on Tuesday when the Child in Need of Care petition is filed I tell her.  I wait for her response, certain that even though it's been 4 weeks since she's answered one of my calls, I will get a call back this time, and finally be able to stop this craziness.

So I wait.

And I wait.

No response.

I toss and turn last night.  I pray like a madwoman, wanting to hear His voice answer my plea.  Am I doing the right thing?  Is there another option that would be better for MCHN??  Are you really going to make her go to foster care??

No response from Him either.

I call MCHN's mom again today.  Please, I plead, please.  Call me so we can talk.  Please participate in MCHN's future in one way or another.  If you cannot be a mother to her, it's okay.  Please, please, just take care of her now and chose a mother for her.

No response.

No one can tell me whether MCHN will have to go to foster care.  I will not know until Tuesday gets here.  That's really hard for me to accept.  I'm trying to put my trust in God, that He wouldn't let her go to foster care.  But, the truth is, He already has a plan for MCHN and it's in progress.  All I can do is trust in Him that everything will work out just how it's meant to be. 

I just wish trusting and waiting wasn't such a struggle for me right now...

p.s. - STOP - Read "The Gift of Week Five" first!!

If you have not read about the Gift of Week Five - STOP!  SERIOUSLY!!  Don't ruin the end of Week Five for yourself!!  Open my last post first...

Have you closed this posting??  If you haven't yet, go to the archive and read about Week Five's Gift.

OK, now that you've got Week Five under your belt, keep reading....






God keeps showing up in surprising ways...

My phone rang 30 seconds after I published The Gift of Week Five (SERIOUSLY!!).  I didn't want to keep any of you up all night, so I thought I'd fill you in:

I got a call back from an attorney.  HOORAY!!

I might have to get a new "HOORAY" picture!!

He answered my questions, and more importantly, put my mind at ease.   Week Five's Gifts are still at work...

The Gift of Week Five

I was excited to live the Gift of Week Five (see my previous post).  I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed, eager to get out there and see what was in store for us.  Because, I DO love gifts!  Small gifts with tiny bows, huge gifts with no bow...it doesn't matter.  A gift is a gift!  I love the excitement of the unknown, and I love knowing that the giver of the gift took the time to let me know that I am special to them.  So, off to Week Five I went!

Instead of excitement, as the week went on, I had been feeling "heavy."  Not an anxious or stressed out feeling, but just "heavy."  Like something was weighing me down from the inside. Could my organs literally have gained weight?  Or maybe the heaviness was in my heart.  I mean, seriously, not only had it pulled a Grinch on me by growing three sizes bigger with the love that is growing for MCHN, but inside it was also bigger now with the weight of making the right legal decisions for my family and for my MCHN's future. 

Heavy.  Rock - no boulder - in my chest, heavy.  Seriously.

After a disappointing visit from the social worker from Child Protective Services (she just wasn't a wealth of knowledge like I had hoped...) to leaving messages for Family Law Attorney's and not receiving any call backs (can someone please just answer my questions???)...to deciding to stay back from our family vacation this month to help MCHN's life remain stable and consistant...the heavy feeling grew.

Then I was reminded of something this week that made such a difference in my perspective.  Herein lies the GIFT of Week Five!  Feel the excitement?!  See the pretty, sparkly bow??!! 

HOORAY!!

There are a lot of people who love MCHN.  In fact, my love for her sometimes makes it harder to make the right decisions for her future.  But, here's the gift:

         GOD LOVES HER!          

Duh!  It's not that I didn't know this already (I mean seriously, how elementary is that, right?!) but how easily I forget under the weight of so much responsibility.  So, God has a plan for MCHN, and He loves her in ways I can't even imagine.  I'm here to help Him put that plan in place, which takes the weight off of me.  Whew!!  What a relief!!  Not only does He have a plan for me, but - OF COURSE - he has a plan for MCHN, too. 

Dear God,
I'm so relieved to be reminded that I am part of your plan for MCHN, but I am not calling the shots.  However our journey ends up, I know that You are in the driver seat and  I will not I will try not to (because I AM Just Plain Jill, after all...) look so far down the road that I lose track of where You are.  Thank You for this Week Five Gift. Thank You for reminding me that I am not alone.  I needed it!

Love,
JPJ (Just Plain Jill)