It's Time...

I really HATE to be behind the curve.  I'm organized and prepared for most things.  I like it that way.  Adopting Willow has challenged every sense of my preparedness.  Darn it!!

Our annual Christmas trip to Nebraska to visit our extended family brought more than just Christmas cheer this year.  If you're new here, I'll catch you up real quick...this past July we adopted my beautiful curly haired niece.  My husband and I want to keep the lines of communication and information open about how Willow came to join our family, but at the same time do not want to give them too much information too soon, or give them any editorial comments of our own, especially while emotions are still so raw. 

So....we include a visit to my mom's house in our Christmas-trip-to-Nebraska itinerary.  Why is this such a big deal?  Well, Willow lived with her birth mom (my youngest sister) at my mom's house for about a year.  So, this would mark the first time in my mom's house with Willow as our daughter. 

In my normal way of trying to be prepared, I'd been praying for grace and strength to face the unexpected feelings this visit may cause me.  I had also considered how it may affect my mom, who is struggling so much with the fact that we've put some distance between Willow's birth mom (my youngest sister) since the adoption.  What I did not prepare myself for was what actually happened:

Not two minutes into this visit at my mom's house, Addyson (our four year old) leans down to Willow's level, puts her arm around Willow's shoulder and sweetly says, "Willow, this is where you used to live!  Do you want to show me your room?!"

                                                    

WHAT?!?!  

OK, so the kids know Willow has a birth mother...they know she is adopted.  We have not told them who her birth mother is, or that Willow was once part of our "extended" family.  We know all this information will be shared eventually, but my husband and I had decided that giving them small "bites" of information would be easier for them to digest.  So, imagine our shock when our four year old blurts this out!

And, let me preface this by saying, I am HORRIBLE when it comes to responding verbally when I've been caught off-guard!!  I like to have time to think about my response before having to give it.  But, here we were, Addyson with her arm around Willow, telling her things I didn't even know she remembered...my mom looking at me for my response...and me freaking out (inside anyway) and trying to think quick on my feet.  The result?  

Well, I feel like I failed, to put it bluntly.  This was a HUGE moment to lovingly and thoughtfully give another "bite" of information about Willow's adoption, and I just choked.  I haven't been able to get it off my mind ever since.

So now I'm praying for the love and the wisdom to have this conversation with our kiddos.  And, I'm praying for grace (AGAIN!) to ease up on myself a bit.  I'm not perfect, though I do get caught up in expecting myself to be a perfect mom.  Wish us luck...

Noah's Big Trip

My in-laws are wonderful grandparents.  If you know me well enough, you're probably wondering if I'm being sarcastic.  Let me tell you:  I AM NOT!  They are the quintessential picture of what "grandparents" are (in my head, anyway...).  What it probably really boils down to is that they are both retired and that they simply LOVE their grandchildren.  You can see it in every move they make.  I see it, and even more importantly, the kids see it.  =)

So, on with the story...

Since our gang has grown, the kids now outnumber us.  You know...three kids, two parents (or grandparents)...the numbers are not in our favor, especially during the terrible-twos and furious-fours. 

Side note:  I'm trying out that "furious-fours" term.  My definition:  that excruciating period where your child is too young to go to school, but too old to be entertained by you all day.  They come up with their own ways to entertain themselves, and so far I've not seen anything that I'm really all that fond of!!

So, my in-laws, being the wonderful grandparents that they are, decided they might like to have each child, ONE AT A TIME, come stay with them at their house for a day or two.  This sounded like a great idea to me!  Seriously, getting rid of just one kid to Nana's brings the parent:kid ratio back down to 2:2, which one might expect to be a more tolerable level.  Our oldest, Addyson, (the furious-four year old) has been to Nana and Grandpa's several time alone, so this was nothing new for her.  Nana and Grandpa decided to start with #4 - our blue eyed boy.

If you haven't read my previous blogs (what have you been doing?!?!  lol) you should know that I do have a soft spot for my little guy.  I'll deny it until I'm blue in the face, but there is something about my son that is so different than my daughters.  Could be the lack of drama, his straight forward way of letting you know how he feels, or those HUGE hugs he gives...but whatever it is, he makes me laugh and melts my heart several times a day. 

Anyway....

Like I said, I was excited to get this ball rolling!  Bring on the 2-on-2!!  But, when the day came for Noah's big trip to Nana's, I was nervous and a little sad, knowing I'd miss that smiling face and crazy curly hair.  My husband told me to get over it, and off they went.

Nana's is about 2 hours from our house, tucked in (basically) the middle of nowhere in Nebraska.  Now, before you go thinking any more into that, let me just say I'm FROM Nebraska, so it is a beloved place to be.  But I grew up in the city, and Nana and Grandpa are "country folk".  Their house sits on an acreage with a pond, a "shed" about the same size as their house, with lots and lots of room to roam.  With lots and lots of room to roam of course comes lots and lots of toys that get around.  Tractors, Gators, four wheelers, etc. etc.  My city kids LOVE IT at Nana and Grandpa's.  Need I say more?  =)

Noah jumped out of the car and never looked back.  I sighed, knowing how much he'd been looking forward to his first trip to Nana and Grandpa's alone, and how much I'd miss him.

As suspected, Noah and the grandparents had a ball.  When it came time to pick Noah up, I grew a little anxious.  What I wanted was for my crazy curly haired little guy to see our car pull up in the long drive and to see him running out to us, arms spread wide, waiting to give his momma a big hug.  What I got was a look of uncertainty from Noah, and him dashing the opposite direction.  WHAT?!?!  Yep, he had so much fun on the farm, he wasn't about to consider coming back home yet!  OK, understandable...

Here's where it gets really sweet...

While we're all in Nana's kitchen, catching up on the shenanigans of Noah's couple days at the farm, the kids were doing some catching up of their own.  In the chaos that big hello's can bring, I almost missed the way the two little ones were "catching up" with each other.  I turned around to catch them laying on their tummies together on the kitchen floor, heads turned to each side so that they were just gazing into each other's eyes.  It was too loud for me to hear if there was any chatter going on between the two of them, but their body language said it all.  They had missed each other.  I wiped the sweet tear away that rolled down my cheek and thanked God for letting me see that beautiful moment.

Thank God for Moments of Clarity

If you've ever had a moment of clarity, then you'll get today's rantings.  I'm not talking your general run-of-the-mill clarity, like oh yah, now I get it.  No, I mean a REAL moment of clarity.  A moment where the earth trembles, the sun looks brighter, traffic is easier, your kids smiles are sweeter and your jeans fit better.  I mean a really, really SERIOUS moment of CLARITY.


      My angel of a four year old, Addyson,
with big sister, Lyssa, on Lyssa's big day.



First of all, my baby girl got married this past weekend.  Holy Jesus, was that a lot of work!!  Sweet, sweet, satisfying work, but work, none the less.  And, not an organized type of work like I prefer to do, but ever changing, chaotic, hope for the best, seat of your pants kind of work.  If you haven't gotten it yet, this type of unorganized chaos is not an environment that I thrive in, but I did my best.  And my daughter was beautiful.  Her day was fabulous.  She's on her honeymoon now and I MISS her 3 or 4 dozen phone conversations a day like CRAZY!!  But ok, on with the story... 



 

Lyssa and Kyle with their wedding party.



So, after the wedding venue was cleaned up, I marched through the door to my house and crawled onto the family room floor to join my family.  I didn't realize how much I had missed my kiddos until that moment!!  I had been so wrapped up and busy with the wedding, that my kiddos at home had to take the backseat (and not always that graciously!) to my crazy schedule of getting all things wedding taken care of.  I vowed at that moment that all I was going to do this week was PLAY!!  Engage in all things fun and childish and catch up on my kiddos.  I was super excited!!

HOORAY!!



However, unfortunately, the kids didn't seem to share my excitement...

Monday was spent with our MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) Group, which was fun, but didn't give us any time to "play" together.  So, on Tuesday, I decided we'd go play at McDonald's and have lunch together.  They love doing this!!  But, did I mention the kids didn't seem to share in my excitement??

We played for a bit, but they just wanted to eat.  So, off to get happy meals I went.  They argued with each other through the entire lunch (you know, the usual, I have more ketchup than you do - NO YOU DON'T!, my pickle is bigger than yours - NO IT ISN'T!, etc.)  Let me tell you, they are PROS at arguing.  They start out in a normal voice, get a little louder, then the little ones end in just screaming at the top of their lungs until one or both of them start crying because it's too loud.  Go figure.  Have you ever checked out the acoustics inside of a McDonalds PlayPlace??  Let me tell you, the arguing and screaming was amplified by like three-hundred and fifty-two MILLION times.  Deep breath, I tell myself. 



After the arguing - I mean lunch - is done, they're off to play again.  As I'm cleaning up their mess, I hear Willow S-C-R-E-A-M-I-N-G.  (Yep, think acoustics.)  I mean seriously, it is disturbingly loud.  Upon quick investigation, I learn that Noah bit her.  Great (I mean, I thought we were past this phase!!).  There are four other parents there, obviously petrified, watching as I decide how to handle this.  I decided this was about all the "playing" I could take for one day!  I calmly picked Willow up to comfort her, told Addyson to get her shoes on, and  put Naughty Noah in time-out on a chair.  Once Willow was ok, I put her down, asked her to get her shoes, and started working on getting shoes on the time-out boy.  I glanced at Addyson, and noticed I see her shoes are on and she's quietly waiting to leave.  WHAT?!?!  Ok, something is going my way anyway.  Noah's finished and ready and I turn to see if Willow needs help.  She's no where to be found.  I look up.  She's in the highest little nook of the PlayPlace tunnels, perched by a plastic peek-hole window, watching us look for her.  I see the devil in her eyes at that moment.

"Willow," I say in my sweetest yet firm motherly voice, "we're leaving, let's go."  She sits on her perch, laughing.  Don't forget, there are STILL four other parents gawking at this spectacle we've created today.  I stall a bit...clean up a bit more...fumble slowly for my keys...then Addyson yells (don't forget...ACOUSTICS!!),

"Willow, you better come down

or we are going to LEAVE you HERE!!"

Aaaahhhh yes, that angel-of-a-four-year-old just did what you NEVER do to a two-year-old.  Threaten her.  And, for all the world to hear no less!!  I could see Willow hunker down up there on her perch, still smiling, with no intention what-so-ever of coming down any time soon.



I had a decision to make.  I could put Noah down so I could climb up to get Willow, but then I risk losing control of him (and Addyson!) too.  Or, I can walk the first two kids to the car and come back to climb up to get Willow.  I don't like either choice much, but I decide I can see the PlayPlace from the car, so I'll put the kids in quickly and come back for Willow.  My decision seems faulty, and as all these "what-ifs" invade my mommy mind, I turn around to see Willow waiting for me at the bottom of the slide.  Thank you, God.  So, off we went before making any more of a spectacle of ourselves.

As the kids napped that afternoon, I second-guessed each and every mommy moment I'd had for as long as I can remember.  I doubted my abilities.  I doubted my decision to be a stay-at-home mom.  I beat myself up until I literally couldn't hold my eyes open any more and then I did what I NEVER do:  I took a nap while the kids napped.

OK, so let me get to my point here...



I woke up today and threw my agenda to "play" right out the window.  As the little guys and I headed towards WalMart (I'm a glutton for punishment, I know...), Trace Adkin's song "You're Gonna Miss This" came on the radio.  It's the story of a father with middle-aged kids who tries to gently remind a mommy of toddlers to cherish this time: 

  

"You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days

hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around

You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this"

I listened to the lyrics and remembered how this song made me cry when Lyssa graduated from high school.  It's so true.  The time goes by too fast, tantrums and all.  As a mom with a grown daughter (who is even married now!!), and little ones at home, I frequently remind myself of how quickly time goes.  But even I need to be reminded sometimes, when I get all caught up in the mess and calamity of every day toddler hood.  No, it's not all sunshine and lollipops, but it IS worth every moment.

As we stood in the check-out line at WalMart, that's when it happened.  My moment of clarity, that is.  It started with a bunch of screaming, which snapped me out of the tickle game the little ones and I were enjoying while the checker finished with our basket.  A woman was dragging a small child, kicking and screaming, out of WalMart by the arm.  Ah-ha!!  Been there, done that.  I mean, haven't we all??  I was instantly reminded of the spectacle we created at McDonalds the day prior.   Although this mom and small child did get my attention, I didn't find myself quick to judge her parenting skills or her child, based on the tantrum that was going on.  I felt like God was reminding me that raising kids is no walk in the park...not EVERY day anyway!  However, the tantrums are followed by hugs.  The screams are balanced by kisses.  Those sweet smiles make the naughty moments more bearable. And, they grow up so fast!  

Yes, my sweet babies, as the song says, you do indeed grow up way too fast. 

I kissed the little guys, thankful for these moments of clarity that remind me that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be.  And yes, I will miss these moments when they are gone...

p.s.  Did you see how bright that sun was shining today, or was it just me??         



Just a little girl

                     I am just a little girl

                        with curly hair

                    and big brown eyes.

                 My giggle is infectious.

I love books.

If you open one,

I'll climb on your lap,

get comfy

and listen attentively.

I love to sing.

From Head, Shoulders Knees and Toes

to A, B, C's

you name it, I'll sing it.

And I will delight myself!

I snuggle on my mommy's shoulder at bedtime

soaking up a little more of her love

to keep me content through the night.

Then I wake in the morning

and I just want to jump,

                                                jump,
                                                    jump!

With vigor, I exclaim,
"I ni-night!"
My mommy smiles and confirms,
"Yes honey, you went ni-night!"
I smile back and ask, "Mommy hold you?"
"Of course mommy will hold you!" she replies
as she wraps her arms around me
and pulls me close.

                                                         This mommy who loves me is my new mommy. 
                                                     The mommy I had at birth chose this new mommy for me.
                                                                      I'm still the same little girl
                                                              with curly hair and big brown eyes
                                                                          that I was before.
                                                                  My giggle is still infectious
                                                          but my future is different than it was.
                                                         I have a new mommy and daddy now.

I'm here because God has a plan for me.
My new mommy and daddy are part of His plan.

God put lots of thought into His plan for me.
It's complicated.
My grandparents and cousins
are mostly still the same as when I was born.
Except for one special aunt and uncle...
They are my new mommy and daddy now.
Three special cousins are now by brother and sisters.

My new mommy and daddy
love me with all their hearts.
I feel it every day.

When I say,
"I yuv yooouuu, mommy"
she laughs out loud and says,

"I love you too!" 

When daddy comes home from work

I yell, "Daddy home!  Daddy home!"

I run to him and he scoops me up,

twirls me around,

and kisses my neck

until his whiskers tickle so much

that I just have to giggle.

My giggle is infectious.  J

I may just be a little girl,

but I know that

there is a reason for God's complicated plan for me.

My new mommy and daddy

used to be my aunt and uncle,

though already I don't remember that.

They are my mommy and daddy.

And I love them loving me.  

I'm just a little girl

           with curly hair

                   and big brown eyes.

                           My giggle is infectious.

The Day The Whole House Smiled

Believe me, the days are few and far between when everyone in our house wakes up in a cheery mood. 

Addyson (my four year old) is usually a very sweet morning girl.  She'll be  in that blissful, half awake/half asleep kind of stupor that makes you just want to scoop her up and hug her because she's so darn cute.  It's also about the only time of the day she'll sit still to snuggle with you too, so it's a very special time of day.

She must get this morning sweetness from my husband because mornings are definitely not my cup of tea!  I mean, if I can wake up at my own leisurely pace and enjoy a cup of coffee and some quiet time, then I'm happy as a lark.  But, that doesn't seem to be the way it works around my house with all these kids...so...  

The two-year-olds on the other hand?  Well, like Forest Gump says, they’re like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re going to get! 

Try as I may, I can’t quite seem to get the right formula for CONSISTENTLY getting them both out of bed and dressed and still smiling as we head down the steps for breakfast.  I mean seriously, how horrible could life be for a two-year-old?  What in the world would they want to whine about just a mere 15 minutes after getting out of bed??  I could tell you what they whine about, if you really want to know – but again, it’s not CONSISTENTLY the same thing.  If it was, I’d (of course!) try to mitigate it.  But that would be waaaaaay to easy.  Nope, it’s always something new…but, that’s for a different blog.  This blog is about The Day The Whole House Smiled (TDTWHS). 

                                                    

Friday was The Day The Whole House Smiled (TDTWHS). 

Addyson was ready for preschool with five minutes to spare.  Willow and Noah were up, dressed and had eaten breakfast without a whine, cry or yell to be heard of.  In fact, they sat at the table and laughed at each other’s silliness.  They were seriously cracking each other up!  I giggled at their two-year-old attempts to make the other one laugh – things like putting the cup of milk to their mouth and holding it in their teeth while waving both hands in the air as if to say “Look!  No hands!”  (This will get a giggle EVERY time, usually right before mom has to race over to wipe up spilled milk…) 

 I thought things in the house were a little odd, but figured I better just enjoy it while it lasts, knowing getting them all packed into the car is a sure bet for at least one fit.

But TDTWHS (The Day The Whole House Smiled), all three of the kids went to the car when they were asked…no kicking, screaming, running or meltdowns.  Huh??

                                                            

Before I questioned what in the world was going on, the voice in my head told me to enjoy it while it lasts!  So we played and giggled and sang songs in the car.  The kids told Addyson bye as she skipped up to the doors of preschool, then they giggled and played back and forth with each other in the backseat while we made our way to Walmart.

 Sidenote:  I really pretty much hate my weekly run to Walmart.  I’ve got the two two-year-olds, I’m pushing one cart and pulling the other, I’m lugging a bunch of ads with me to buy the items they’ll “pricematch”.  It's kind of like a game show challenge to see if you can fill the cart with great deals while navigating two full shopping carts, answering the "what's that?!" questions, and trying to diffuse upcoming and almost inevitable chaos.  

So off we go to shop, shop, shop.  I'm talking to the kids about getting "big boy/big girl cups" for the kitchen (these would be small tumblers with no lids for those of you without toddlers in the house...) and they are soooooo excited to be eyeing the shelves in Walmart looking for new cups. 

While making our way down the housewares isle, I hear a pleasant and almost excited hello ahead of me.  I look up to find a cheery woman introducing herself and telling me she remembers those days.  I laugh with her but try to keep moving, on our mission to find "big boy/big girl cups" before the cheerfulness of the day wears off.  She proceeds to tell me she has triplets.  YIKES!!  They are 12 now, but she explains how she would push a double stroller and a cart on her shopping trips.  Hmph.  And here I was thinking two was a challenge at Walmart!  As if she read on my face the need for a little encouragement, she told me to hang in there, her life with her kids is wonderful, yada, yada, yada.  I appreciated her words, and it was nice to be reminded that yes, it could be more challenging than just two two-year-olds, but seriously, it was TDTWHS (The Day the Whole House Smiled).  I didn't need encouragement today - we were having fun! - and I needed to move on and get outta there before chaos erupted.  So, I thanked her and we smiled and off we went.

Needless to say, Walmart didn't have any big boy/big girl cups that suited me.   Hold on tight, this is where TDTWHS goes right down the drain...

My blue eyed baby boy is usually pretty easy to reason with.  I mean, he IS two, and he's NOT an angel, but his tantrums are few and far between.  What I learned on TDTWHS is that you don't mess with that boy's big boy cup!!  He is so proud to drink from a big boy cup that if you hand him a sippy cup, he just about throws a fit!  So, Noah had his heart set on getting a new big boy cup, and when I told him Walmart didn't have any, the waterworks began.  I walked as quickly as I could down the main isle at Walmart, racing to the checkout and trying to reason with him the whole time. 

We'll look again next time...we'll try another store...we have big boy cups at home we can use...

Reason as I could, he wasn't buying any of it.  By the time we reached the checkout line, he was in an all out screaming tantrum.  "Big Boy Cup!!! Big Boy Cup!!!  I NEEEEEEED my big boy cup!!!"  he wailed as I fumbled for my credit card, then keys and helped the clerk bag my things so we could get out as quickly as possible.  Luckily, Willow sat there quietly in baffled amazement and watched her brother meltdown right before her eyes.

He screamed the whole way out to the car.

It didn't take long to settle everyone down and start the short trek home.  On our way, I was mentally reviewing our morning in my head.  What a treat it was!  The silliness, the giggling, the love.  My heart overflowed!  And, I recalled the words of encouragement the mother of the triplets had for me.  You know, those words I felt I didn't need to hear because at the time I met her I was on top of the world - it was The Day The Whole House Smiled after all! 

Luckily I've learned to soak up encouraging words like those as if I were equipped with a mommy solar panel.  That way, when TDTWHS goes right down the tubes, it's easier than ever to pick myself up, dust myself off and forge ahead.  After all, with faces like these three, who knows what the afternoon could bring!

  

Willow Day Re-Cap

Willow Day was so much more than I ever thought possible...

The hearing was set for 1 p.m.  What that means for me (and any other mom of toddlers) is:  NAP TIME!  


Yep, I was pretty sure one of the two-year-olds would be completely melting down by the time the judge reached the bench.  There was nothing I could do to change it either, which was really scary as the mom...I mean, we're supposed to roll with the punches, make adjustments where needed to get the results out of your kids that you expect.  But how the heck could I make lemonade out of the lemons handed to us with a 1 p.m. court date for two two-year-olds and their tired four-year-old big sister??

I mean, seriously, if you expect three kids age four or under to behave IN A QUIET COURTHOUSE during their usual naptime, aren't you just ASKING for trouble??

The answer to that rhetorical question is YES!! 

So I did the only thing in my mommy power to do...I prayed like heck and hoped for the best!


And I was simply amazed at the beauty of Willow Day...I mean, seriously, there was no logical explanation for the way the day unfolded.

The kids raced to the courthouse...as if they knew entering that building meant changing their lives forever.

From choosing a stuffed animal to take home with them, to sitting through the testimony of the trial...the kids were happy as larks.  Never once kicking, screaming or carrying on.  And, let me remind you...this was NAP TIME for them.  Where in the world did they get their composure and grace from??

Then there was the Judge.  Addyson adored her, and as I saw in this candid picture as I reviewed our day, that Judge thought she was pretty cool too.  =)

And here are those kids.  Waaaay past naptime, but still content.  Seriously?!   I thought, OK, just let us get to the car.  At least we won't subject others to our kids tantrums if they throw them in the car, right? 

Here's where the real amazing stuff sinks in with me.

I expected Willow to cry (she is our diva after all!) at the drop of a hat.  So, what did she do??  She SANG!!

All the way home.... seriously...she   

S A N G !!

Our car was filled with the beautiful sounds of Willow singing on Willow Day, right in the middle of the afternoon.  She should have been sleeping.  Logic would have said that since she wasn't sleeping, she'd be cranky and disagreeable.  Instead, what did she do?  She  S A N G.   All the way home.

We finished our day with a beautiful Willow Day dinner (after naps, of course!  I wasn't going to push my luck!!).  Friends and family surrounded us, and the hundred degree temps that had been plaguing us dropped to the lower 80's for the day, allowing us to dine al-fresco together. 

 Seriously...a little bit of heaven right here on Willow Day.

Thank you, God, for blessing our family...again and again and again.  =)

"Willow Day" Eve

It's Willow Day Eve and I can't sleep.  I've tossed and turned with random thoughts (do I have enough chairs for everyone?  Argh!  I forgot to get shoes to match the girls dresses! Will it be too hot to be outside??)  I rolled over and laid my head against my husband hoping to let my mind get lost in the rhythmic sounds of his sleeping breath, but still, I lay awake.

So, here I am.

Tomorrow is Willow Day and I have a lot on my mind.  What in the world is Willow Day, you ask?  Tomorrow MCHN (My Curly Haired Niece) becomes my daughter, Willow Crystine.  I've gotten the gamut of responses when I've told people along our way about our little story.  Let me assure you adoption is not a fairytale kind of story like people would like to think.  But, it all boils down to this:  God has a plan for little Willow.  I know it.  I'm honored (and scared!  and nervous!) that our family is to play such a huge role in that plan.  I don't have all the answers, nor do I want to have them all now, but as you know, we've trudged along the past six months never knowing what was around each corner.

When MCHN came to us in January, all I knew was that she needed security and love.  My husband and I agreed that we could provide that for her.  We were never sure how long MCHN would be with us.  Never knew what her birthparents plans were as far as being parents...we just loved MCHN like she was one of our own, and kept her safe.

Our decision to love and protect MCHN had consequences.  All decisions do, right?  As far as consequences go, there were the good, the bad and the downright ugly! 

So, let's get the bad and the ugly consequences out of the way first.

My brother didn't agree with our approach ("private" care vs. state ordered care for MCHN).  After trying to convince each other, we agreed to disagree and didn't speak for months.  My father and step-mom distanced themselves to "stay out of the middle" of the differing views of my brother and I.  My mom struggles every day to maintain a balance between her love and concern for me and her love and concern for my sister (MCHN's birth mother).  My sister is dealing with guilt and anger and loneliness of her own over deciding to place her only child for adoption. 

Then there is us.

The consequences our decision has had within our home have been enormous! 

While my brother wasn't speaking speaking to me...
and my father was keeping us at a distance...
and my mother was bouncing back and forth in her feelings of allegiance to my sister and I...

My Blue Eyed Little Boy (Noah)  learned to share his mommy with his newest sister, who by the way is just 15 days older than him, still making him my "baby".  (SMILES) 

 













My Angel of a Four Year Old (Addyson) took her new playmate under her wing, mothered her and cared for her and fought like cats and dogs with her (yes, they truly are sisters already). 

My husband (Mitch) grew up just a tiny little bit (lol) and is seeing that the world is not as black-and-white as it may have seemed.

And this momma?  Well, I learned the hard way (I mean seriously, is there any other way?!?!) that having three children REALLY IS harder than just having two AND that all the organizational skills in the world is no match for a house full of pre-schoolers.   

 But, most importantly, My Curly Haired Niece (Willow) is growing and happy and loved.  And tomorrow she becomes a part of our family.  Forever.

The ugly consequences of our decision to love and protect Willow have become a little less ugly over time. 

The bad ones I'm learning to not pay as much attention to. 

But the good consequences, well... they far outweigh the bad.  So when I'm asked if we're sure that we really want to adopt Willow, I sigh as all the bad and ugly consequences flash through my mind.  And before I can even get the words, "yes, we're sure" out of my mouth, my mind is flooded by all the good and wonderful consequences that have come out of making Willow a part of our family.  And for that, I am grateful and convinced that we will all be just fine.

Happy Willow Day.  =)

Why??

Warning:  If you're looking for a laugh today, you won't find it here.  Consider this fair warning.  Seriously!  Enter at your own risk!

  

OK God, if your plan for MCHN is to join our family, then WHY, WHY, WHY is it so dang hard?!?!

In the midst of waiting for MCHNs birth father (bf) to sign the consent for adoption forms, (which has been hard enough in itself!), now MCHNs birth mom (bm) is not happy with our plan for letting her see MCHN.  But, let me step back to the papers from the bf for a second:  seven days after MCHNs birth father (bf) said he put his signed consent form in the self-addressed, postage paid Priority Mail envelope and dropped it in the mail, it is STILL YET TO SHOW UP AT OUR HOUSE!  Did he actually send it?  Is he lying (again)?  What in the heck is going on?  Why God?!  Why is this so dang hard??

I thought we were doing the right thing here...I thought this is what You wanted for MCHN.  What are You trying to tell us all??

So, here we are.  Let me re-cap.  Nine weeks ago, my sister/MCHNs bm, signed consent for adoption forms allowing my husband and I to adopt MCHN.  After asking if she wanted to discuss the sharing of pictures, information and visits, and after being urged by our mother to have this discussion with me, she chose not to.  Instead, she quietly signed the papers and began her grieving process.  Her silence in the area of sharing information or planning visits led me to believe that whatever my husband and I decided would be okay with her and that she had no specific requests in this area.

Now, NINE WEEKS LATER, she asks when she might be able to see this beautiful little girl...the little girl who used to be her daughter, but who continues waiting on her birth father to decide who is going to be her forever parents.  Forgive me if I seem a little irritated.  Who are we all worried about here???? 

"I am the most important one.  Please consider me!"

I first replied to my sister/MCHNs bm that maybe by the end of the year, Thanksgiving or Christmas time, we could consider some type of visit, although I wasn't sure what type of visit it would be, or if it would be this year.  I said we should play it by ear. 

All my sister/MCHNs bm heard was Thanksgiving.

About a week later, I tell her that after thinking more about an end of the year visit, I'm more and more torn about how a visit will affect MCHN.  I only want what's best for MCHN!  I told my sister that I can't honestly say that a visit at the end of the year will happen.  In fact, I'm leaning towards waiting until MCHN can decide on her own if/when she wants to meet her birth parents.  Again, since she did not tell me what her expectations were in this area, I had no idea that she would be devastated as I delivered this news.

But, let me remind you...WE ARE STILL WAITING ON MCHNs BF's papers!  MCHNs future is not even decided yet!!

So, is the delay in the bf's papers meant to be??  Is this God's way of letting things get worked out before anything becomes legal and binding?? 

I am so confused.  I am so irritated.  My heart is aching like I never knew it could.

The stress of this situation is becoming an issue in our home.  We've all been in limbo too long.  I need to start explaining things to my four year old.  I wanted to wait until I could talk to her about adoption, but I now realize I just need to talk to her about legal guardianship - which is the actual situation we're in - so that she has some answers as to what is happening to her family.

I don't have all the answers, but I do know MCHNs birth mom (bm) hurting.  She's grieving.  I understand that.  Some of you know, but most of you do not...I have been there.  I'm a birth mom too.  When I was eighteen, I had a daughter whom I chose to place for adoption.  (Another story...for another time...)  So, I understand some of what MCHNs bm is feeling.  And, if she's anything like me and the millions of other mothers who choose adoption for their children, she'll be aching for years and years to come.

But again I ask, who are we all worried about here???  MCHNs bm is thinking about herself...thinking that a visit will make her pain go away.  But, what happens for her if a visit makes the pain worse??  Has she thought about that?  And, what if a visit completely confuses MCHN?  What if it prompts some sort of attachment issues for her??  Has she thought about that, or is she only thinking of herself??

Who is MCHNs bf thinking about as he puts off signing papers AND isn't willing to be a single parent?  I'm pretty sure he isn't thinking about MCHN either...

MCHN, my husband, and my "Angel of a Four Year Old"  J

And then there's my husband and me. We protected MCHN from the negativity we received from our extended family when MCHN first came to us.  We've loved her as our own from day one.  We've learned what it feels like to have twins!  We've given her everything she's needed for the last five months...love, security, reassurance.  We've opened our home and our hearts to her for the rest of her life. 

So why God?  Why is it all so dang hard??

Hoping

Once again I'm reminded that I AM NOT IN CHARGE HERE.

I mean seriously, if you ask my husband he'd agree.  (But what does he know, right?!)  However, in the grand scheme of things, I can hope, I can pray...I can stand on my head with one arm pointing east (well, probably not, but you get the idea...) and, despite all my best attempts and intentions, the world will go on as He intended it to, not as I (or anyone else!) wishes it would.

MBMF (My Best Mommy Friend), who is always very timely in sharing her wisdom, said to me:

"If you worry, why pray. 

If you pray...why worry?"

OK MBMF, note taken and you're right.  I prayed like crazy, knowing I had to do something to give MCHN (My Curly Haired Niece) a safe, loving and most importantly permanent home.  So came the "deadline."

I penned the dreaded letter to MCHN's birth father asking - no, pleading with - him to please make a decision.  Will he be a single parent to MCHN?  Will he allow my husband and I to adopt her?  Or will he choose another family to raise this precious little girl?  Whatever the decision was going to be, it was well past time for him to make it.  And, the deadline - MY deadline for him to make this decision was Monday, May 14th.  The words in my letter ring in my head like a strong, melodic church bell:  "WE ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO PROVIDE MCHN WITH A TEMPORARY HOME."  Could I have been more clear than that?  Monday, May 14th was The Big Day (TBD).  The deadline day I created with all the best intentions in mind.

In the meantime, I tried like hell to enjoy each day with my kids.  I tried not to worry.  Mother's Day came and I was reminded of how amazing our children are and how blessed my husband and I am. 

Mother's Day - May 13th, 2012

In the back of my mind, I knew TBD was coming, and I had to be ready.  Ready for what, I wasn't exactly sure. 

TBD was here.  I was nervous, scared, anxious and actually physically sick.  Ironic, isn't it?  Anyway, all day long I sang the words MBMF told me..."If you worry, why pray.  IF YOU PRAY, WHY WORRY."  So, I tried to put the worry aside and let the day unfold.

Nothing.



Yep.  TBD came and went without a letter, a phone call, a visit or any other type of correspondence from MCHN's birth father.  Now what??

The physical sickness I felt remained for a couple days after TBD.  What in the world was I supposed to do now??

Then I calmly realized that perhaps "forcing" MCHN's birth father into making a decision wasn't actually my job.  My job was to love and protect MCHN.  Why couldn't it just be that easy??  Well, it wasn't that easy because I am not MCHN's mother.  Not yet, anyway.  So I did the only other thing I could think of to do:  I called MCHN's birth mother (yes, my sister) and had a very strange conversation.

Keep in mind my conversations with my sister since MCHN's arrival at our house have been few and far between.  And, they have NEVER been about MCHN.  So, from one mother to another, we spoke, both wanting the best for MCHN.  I wasn't sure what would happen from this conversation, but the outcome wasn't for me to control.  I felt at peace with our conversation...and I waited.

The next day my phone rang.  It was MCHN's birth father.  In the smallest, most humble voice, he apologized for the delay in his decision and said he signed the consent for adoption form and put it in the mail to me that day. 

I gasped.

Seriously.

I was at a loss for words, yet I still tried to comfort him.  In the back of my mind, I hoped like I've never hoped before that this time, he really did what he said he did.

So now, I'm waiting again.  I should receive a Priority Mail envelope no later than Monday.  With any luck, it could even be today.  Today is also my little guys's birthday party.  Back when I was believing I was "in control", I had hoped that today's birthday party could also be a celebration officially welcoming MCHN [legally] into our family.  Well, the legal part won't happen by today, but a girl can still hope for a Priority Mail envelope, right?