Hoping

Once again I'm reminded that I AM NOT IN CHARGE HERE.

I mean seriously, if you ask my husband he'd agree.  (But what does he know, right?!)  However, in the grand scheme of things, I can hope, I can pray...I can stand on my head with one arm pointing east (well, probably not, but you get the idea...) and, despite all my best attempts and intentions, the world will go on as He intended it to, not as I (or anyone else!) wishes it would.

MBMF (My Best Mommy Friend), who is always very timely in sharing her wisdom, said to me:

"If you worry, why pray. 

If you pray...why worry?"

OK MBMF, note taken and you're right.  I prayed like crazy, knowing I had to do something to give MCHN (My Curly Haired Niece) a safe, loving and most importantly permanent home.  So came the "deadline."

I penned the dreaded letter to MCHN's birth father asking - no, pleading with - him to please make a decision.  Will he be a single parent to MCHN?  Will he allow my husband and I to adopt her?  Or will he choose another family to raise this precious little girl?  Whatever the decision was going to be, it was well past time for him to make it.  And, the deadline - MY deadline for him to make this decision was Monday, May 14th.  The words in my letter ring in my head like a strong, melodic church bell:  "WE ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO PROVIDE MCHN WITH A TEMPORARY HOME."  Could I have been more clear than that?  Monday, May 14th was The Big Day (TBD).  The deadline day I created with all the best intentions in mind.

In the meantime, I tried like hell to enjoy each day with my kids.  I tried not to worry.  Mother's Day came and I was reminded of how amazing our children are and how blessed my husband and I am. 

Mother's Day - May 13th, 2012

In the back of my mind, I knew TBD was coming, and I had to be ready.  Ready for what, I wasn't exactly sure. 

TBD was here.  I was nervous, scared, anxious and actually physically sick.  Ironic, isn't it?  Anyway, all day long I sang the words MBMF told me..."If you worry, why pray.  IF YOU PRAY, WHY WORRY."  So, I tried to put the worry aside and let the day unfold.

Nothing.



Yep.  TBD came and went without a letter, a phone call, a visit or any other type of correspondence from MCHN's birth father.  Now what??

The physical sickness I felt remained for a couple days after TBD.  What in the world was I supposed to do now??

Then I calmly realized that perhaps "forcing" MCHN's birth father into making a decision wasn't actually my job.  My job was to love and protect MCHN.  Why couldn't it just be that easy??  Well, it wasn't that easy because I am not MCHN's mother.  Not yet, anyway.  So I did the only other thing I could think of to do:  I called MCHN's birth mother (yes, my sister) and had a very strange conversation.

Keep in mind my conversations with my sister since MCHN's arrival at our house have been few and far between.  And, they have NEVER been about MCHN.  So, from one mother to another, we spoke, both wanting the best for MCHN.  I wasn't sure what would happen from this conversation, but the outcome wasn't for me to control.  I felt at peace with our conversation...and I waited.

The next day my phone rang.  It was MCHN's birth father.  In the smallest, most humble voice, he apologized for the delay in his decision and said he signed the consent for adoption form and put it in the mail to me that day. 

I gasped.

Seriously.

I was at a loss for words, yet I still tried to comfort him.  In the back of my mind, I hoped like I've never hoped before that this time, he really did what he said he did.

So now, I'm waiting again.  I should receive a Priority Mail envelope no later than Monday.  With any luck, it could even be today.  Today is also my little guys's birthday party.  Back when I was believing I was "in control", I had hoped that today's birthday party could also be a celebration officially welcoming MCHN [legally] into our family.  Well, the legal part won't happen by today, but a girl can still hope for a Priority Mail envelope, right?