I'm Still Listening...

Apsops!  Apsops!  Peeza!

This, my friends, is the usual response from MCHN when asked what we should have for breakfast.  Or lunch...or dinner, for that matter.  All would be well in the world if she could just be served "apsops and peeza" morning, noon and night.  (OK, peeza is pretty easy to figure out, but have you gotten apsops yet??  Keep thinking...)

Now mind you this is the same adorable little girl who is the last to get up from the table because she's enjoying every tiny morsel of food that's put in front of her.  Seriously!  I mean, there's a reason why on Day One I could not squeeze her adorably chubby thighs into a size three diaper.  This girl loves to eat and she's not afraid to show you!  Gotta love her for that.

Yesterday, after our morning giggle-fest in the car (see previous post), I was bound and determined to kick my dreary mood and perk up.  The half-time show at nap time was a phone call from MCHN's father.  Quite a surprise!  A little awkward, as noted by both of us, but all in all, it was good to get that first call over with and out of the way.  He thanked me and assured me that he is doing all he can to straighten out his life and to be the dad he wants to be for MCHN.  I knew it must have been a hard phone call for him to make.  I did not judge (it's not my place!) nor did I scold.  Yes, I told him, MCHN is doing well here, thanks for asking.  Feel free to call anytime.

My heart felt good.  I felt reassured that we are all doing what is in the best interest of MCHN, and for me, that is enough...for now anyway.  Or so I thought...

Not three minutes later, the phone rings again.  (I'm fairly convinced the first call, from MCHN's father, came first for a reason:  to build me up a little before I proceeded to tear myself down immediately following the second phone call!)  I'm listening to the familiar voice on the other end of the phone offer to help with MCHN, but also fire questions about exactly how long we plan on taking care of MCHN.  I'm not sure, I respond.  I'm taking it one day at a time.  I mean, what more am I supposed to do??  He didn't seem satisfied with that answer, but also didn't have any suggestions.  His questions spurred thoughts of self-doubt in my head.  Am I doing the right thing?  Yes, definitely for MCHN, but am I doing the right thing for her mother and father??  Or, as accused, am I enabling them both and allowing them to remain irresponsible?  I didn't have an answer for that voice on the other end of the phone, and I didn't have the answers for myself either.  It caused imbalance and discomfort in my heart. 

I get on the dialing end of the phone this time, and place a call that was meant to be kind of a sanity check.  What did this sanity check reveal?  That YES, JILL, YOU ARE INSANE.  YES, JILL, YOU ARE AN ENABLER.  These revelations (or my perception there-of) from a trusted and well informed family member, sent me on an even deeper dive into trying to understand what exactly it is that I'm supposed to be doing here.  Of course, I didn't find any answers yesterday afternoon (and it wasn't for lack of trying!!), and by the time my husband came home from work, I was tired, confused, emotionally spent and doubting every ounce of what we are doing for MCHN.

Now, in order to really appreciate where I was at yesterday afternoon, you have to know a little more about my husband.  I mean, I shared PNP with you (see "the good, the bad, and the ugly post"...if you dare!), so I should at least let you know a little more about my husband.  Let me just say, he doesn't "do" touchy-feely.  In fact, if I shed a tear, he'll look the other way to avoid being expected to ask what's wrong.  That's just the kind of guy he is...I'm learning to accept that about him.  But, it's not easy!!!  So, needless to say, the evening went on with the same sort of uneasy confusion going on within me until I hit the hay.  Let me tell you, after feeling like you've ridden a roller coaster all day, once your head hits the pillow, you're out.  And I was.  Like a light.  Thank goodness.

Unfortunately, I woke today still not having much clarity.  MCHN on the other hand, was bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and waiting on apsops and peeza again.  Seriously?!  (By the way, apsops = applesause.)   

Dear God,
It's me...I'm still listening.  Am I doing the right thing here??

Your self-doubting servant,
JPJ

While I'm sitting around waiting for His answer, I think I'll take a lesson from MCHN herself and just dish up some comfort food.  Apsops and peeza anyone???