Why??

Warning:  If you're looking for a laugh today, you won't find it here.  Consider this fair warning.  Seriously!  Enter at your own risk!

  

OK God, if your plan for MCHN is to join our family, then WHY, WHY, WHY is it so dang hard?!?!

In the midst of waiting for MCHNs birth father (bf) to sign the consent for adoption forms, (which has been hard enough in itself!), now MCHNs birth mom (bm) is not happy with our plan for letting her see MCHN.  But, let me step back to the papers from the bf for a second:  seven days after MCHNs birth father (bf) said he put his signed consent form in the self-addressed, postage paid Priority Mail envelope and dropped it in the mail, it is STILL YET TO SHOW UP AT OUR HOUSE!  Did he actually send it?  Is he lying (again)?  What in the heck is going on?  Why God?!  Why is this so dang hard??

I thought we were doing the right thing here...I thought this is what You wanted for MCHN.  What are You trying to tell us all??

So, here we are.  Let me re-cap.  Nine weeks ago, my sister/MCHNs bm, signed consent for adoption forms allowing my husband and I to adopt MCHN.  After asking if she wanted to discuss the sharing of pictures, information and visits, and after being urged by our mother to have this discussion with me, she chose not to.  Instead, she quietly signed the papers and began her grieving process.  Her silence in the area of sharing information or planning visits led me to believe that whatever my husband and I decided would be okay with her and that she had no specific requests in this area.

Now, NINE WEEKS LATER, she asks when she might be able to see this beautiful little girl...the little girl who used to be her daughter, but who continues waiting on her birth father to decide who is going to be her forever parents.  Forgive me if I seem a little irritated.  Who are we all worried about here???? 

"I am the most important one.  Please consider me!"

I first replied to my sister/MCHNs bm that maybe by the end of the year, Thanksgiving or Christmas time, we could consider some type of visit, although I wasn't sure what type of visit it would be, or if it would be this year.  I said we should play it by ear. 

All my sister/MCHNs bm heard was Thanksgiving.

About a week later, I tell her that after thinking more about an end of the year visit, I'm more and more torn about how a visit will affect MCHN.  I only want what's best for MCHN!  I told my sister that I can't honestly say that a visit at the end of the year will happen.  In fact, I'm leaning towards waiting until MCHN can decide on her own if/when she wants to meet her birth parents.  Again, since she did not tell me what her expectations were in this area, I had no idea that she would be devastated as I delivered this news.

But, let me remind you...WE ARE STILL WAITING ON MCHNs BF's papers!  MCHNs future is not even decided yet!!

So, is the delay in the bf's papers meant to be??  Is this God's way of letting things get worked out before anything becomes legal and binding?? 

I am so confused.  I am so irritated.  My heart is aching like I never knew it could.

The stress of this situation is becoming an issue in our home.  We've all been in limbo too long.  I need to start explaining things to my four year old.  I wanted to wait until I could talk to her about adoption, but I now realize I just need to talk to her about legal guardianship - which is the actual situation we're in - so that she has some answers as to what is happening to her family.

I don't have all the answers, but I do know MCHNs birth mom (bm) hurting.  She's grieving.  I understand that.  Some of you know, but most of you do not...I have been there.  I'm a birth mom too.  When I was eighteen, I had a daughter whom I chose to place for adoption.  (Another story...for another time...)  So, I understand some of what MCHNs bm is feeling.  And, if she's anything like me and the millions of other mothers who choose adoption for their children, she'll be aching for years and years to come.

But again I ask, who are we all worried about here???  MCHNs bm is thinking about herself...thinking that a visit will make her pain go away.  But, what happens for her if a visit makes the pain worse??  Has she thought about that?  And, what if a visit completely confuses MCHN?  What if it prompts some sort of attachment issues for her??  Has she thought about that, or is she only thinking of herself??

Who is MCHNs bf thinking about as he puts off signing papers AND isn't willing to be a single parent?  I'm pretty sure he isn't thinking about MCHN either...

MCHN, my husband, and my "Angel of a Four Year Old"  J

And then there's my husband and me. We protected MCHN from the negativity we received from our extended family when MCHN first came to us.  We've loved her as our own from day one.  We've learned what it feels like to have twins!  We've given her everything she's needed for the last five months...love, security, reassurance.  We've opened our home and our hearts to her for the rest of her life. 

So why God?  Why is it all so dang hard??

Hoping

Once again I'm reminded that I AM NOT IN CHARGE HERE.

I mean seriously, if you ask my husband he'd agree.  (But what does he know, right?!)  However, in the grand scheme of things, I can hope, I can pray...I can stand on my head with one arm pointing east (well, probably not, but you get the idea...) and, despite all my best attempts and intentions, the world will go on as He intended it to, not as I (or anyone else!) wishes it would.

MBMF (My Best Mommy Friend), who is always very timely in sharing her wisdom, said to me:

"If you worry, why pray. 

If you pray...why worry?"

OK MBMF, note taken and you're right.  I prayed like crazy, knowing I had to do something to give MCHN (My Curly Haired Niece) a safe, loving and most importantly permanent home.  So came the "deadline."

I penned the dreaded letter to MCHN's birth father asking - no, pleading with - him to please make a decision.  Will he be a single parent to MCHN?  Will he allow my husband and I to adopt her?  Or will he choose another family to raise this precious little girl?  Whatever the decision was going to be, it was well past time for him to make it.  And, the deadline - MY deadline for him to make this decision was Monday, May 14th.  The words in my letter ring in my head like a strong, melodic church bell:  "WE ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO PROVIDE MCHN WITH A TEMPORARY HOME."  Could I have been more clear than that?  Monday, May 14th was The Big Day (TBD).  The deadline day I created with all the best intentions in mind.

In the meantime, I tried like hell to enjoy each day with my kids.  I tried not to worry.  Mother's Day came and I was reminded of how amazing our children are and how blessed my husband and I am. 

Mother's Day - May 13th, 2012

In the back of my mind, I knew TBD was coming, and I had to be ready.  Ready for what, I wasn't exactly sure. 

TBD was here.  I was nervous, scared, anxious and actually physically sick.  Ironic, isn't it?  Anyway, all day long I sang the words MBMF told me..."If you worry, why pray.  IF YOU PRAY, WHY WORRY."  So, I tried to put the worry aside and let the day unfold.

Nothing.



Yep.  TBD came and went without a letter, a phone call, a visit or any other type of correspondence from MCHN's birth father.  Now what??

The physical sickness I felt remained for a couple days after TBD.  What in the world was I supposed to do now??

Then I calmly realized that perhaps "forcing" MCHN's birth father into making a decision wasn't actually my job.  My job was to love and protect MCHN.  Why couldn't it just be that easy??  Well, it wasn't that easy because I am not MCHN's mother.  Not yet, anyway.  So I did the only other thing I could think of to do:  I called MCHN's birth mother (yes, my sister) and had a very strange conversation.

Keep in mind my conversations with my sister since MCHN's arrival at our house have been few and far between.  And, they have NEVER been about MCHN.  So, from one mother to another, we spoke, both wanting the best for MCHN.  I wasn't sure what would happen from this conversation, but the outcome wasn't for me to control.  I felt at peace with our conversation...and I waited.

The next day my phone rang.  It was MCHN's birth father.  In the smallest, most humble voice, he apologized for the delay in his decision and said he signed the consent for adoption form and put it in the mail to me that day. 

I gasped.

Seriously.

I was at a loss for words, yet I still tried to comfort him.  In the back of my mind, I hoped like I've never hoped before that this time, he really did what he said he did.

So now, I'm waiting again.  I should receive a Priority Mail envelope no later than Monday.  With any luck, it could even be today.  Today is also my little guys's birthday party.  Back when I was believing I was "in control", I had hoped that today's birthday party could also be a celebration officially welcoming MCHN [legally] into our family.  Well, the legal part won't happen by today, but a girl can still hope for a Priority Mail envelope, right? 

Signature Upon Receipt Please

MCHN's (my curly-haired niece's) biological father is still stalling.

Haven't heard a word from him since April 9th, when he said he'd call me later that evening to "work something out."  Despite my weekly, and sometimes even daily, attempts to reach him via phone since then, I've yet to speak to him again.

In the meantime, MCHN had a birthday last week.  She's officially a two-year-old now (and she hasn't stopped singing happy birthday or asking for birthday cake since!  Seriously!!) 

And no, her BF (biological father) did not call to wish her a happy birthday or to ask how she is.

Although it's easy to get caught up in the day-to-day normality of MCHN living with us, the truth is that our home is not a permanent home for her...not yet anyway.  It's been 5 months since she's lived with either of her biological parents.  I'm not sure why her BF is dragging his feet...it's a horribly hard decision, I understand.  But, EITHER BE A SINGLE FATHER OR PLACE MCHN FOR ADOPTION ALREADY!! 

I decided if he wasn't going to answer my phone calls, a letter might do the trick.

After much thought and prayer, I finished a letter urging  BF to make a move to give MCHN a permanent home. I told him specifically that "we can no longer provide MCHN with a temporary home."  Do you know how hard it was to say that??  I mean seriously...if she left our home at this point, I would be heartbroken and so worried about MCHN.  Anyway, I explained in the letter that we love this special little girl and that we would love for her to join our family permanently.  However, if he chooses to raise her as a single father, my husband and I will respect and support his decision.  The goal here...the most important thing...is that MCHN needs permanency NOW!  I threw a date out there...May 14th.  I explained our attorney has advised us that if we have not heard from him by this date, and he has not disclosed his intentions for MCHN, my husband and I would then have two options: 

• place MCHN in State custody (foster care) or
• begin litigation to allow the court to decide if BF is fit to be a parent.  (Note:  if the State finds you an "unfit" parent, this ruling stays with you FOR LIFE.  That means should BF somewhere down the road, get married and have children, the State could meet him at the hospital upon the child's birth and remove the child from his care.  This is SERIOUS!!!) 

 

I ended the letter as such:

 

"Please understand - our wish is for MCHN to have a permanent home with all the love, safety and security this special little girl deserves.  Our goal is to help her achieve a permanent home AS SOON AS POSSIBLE."

It was liberating putting this letter into the mail, a scheduled delivery date to BF on Monday afternoon.

However, I didn't prepare myself for what happened next ...

Tuesday morning, I woke, anxious to check the U.S. Postal Service website to see the status of my envelope.  Had BF received it?? 

I was completely discouraged Tuesday evening after learning that the mail carrier's attempt to deliver my letter to MCHN's BF on Monday afternoon was unsuccessful.  The ExpressMail envelope, which included my letter as well as a Consent for Adoption form and a postage-paid ExpressMail return envelope, required a signature upon receipt.  Evidently no one was home to accept the envelope...or no one cared to come to the door.  Either way, my hope was squashed like a grape.

I spent yesterday evening praying and asking God what in the world he wants me to do for this little girl.  I felt at a loss.  I knew I had to give it to Him.

 

This morning I learned that the envelope was re-delivered yesterday at lunch time.  Signature upon receipt was obtained.    

 

HOORAY!!

 

 

 



(In case you're wondering, this is a "jumping" hooray! Some SERIOUS excitement!!)



 

Now that I know BF has my letter in his hands, I'm praying, praying, praying for God to do His wonderful work and for me to be strong (and patient!) and willing to take the next step, whatever that may be.

Summer "Break"

Have I mentioned to you yet that I'm not a big fan of change?  I mean, I know everything changes...nothing stays the same...yada...yada...yada...BUT I just have a hard time fully embracing change unless it's a change that I myself have instigated.  (Oh yeah, there's that control thing popping up again!  Darn it!!)

Here we are, two weeks away from summer break.  Summer "break"??  To me, "break" does not equal my angel of a four-year-old (and yes, sarcasm is just DRIPPING off of that lovely little name...) being out of pre-school and home with mommy and the two little guys full time. 

WHAT?!  Seriously?!  Home all day!?! 

You've GOT to be kidding me!! 

What kind of a "break" is that?!?!

So, in a frantic effort to pull myself together AND keep my AOAFYO (angel of a four-year-old) busy, safe and entertained during this little summer "break" that I did not myself instigate, I rummaged restlessly through the millions of offerings my city has for activities that might be of consideration.  Luckily, my best mommy friend was doing some rummaging of her own, which made our efforts a little easier as we teamed up and shared our findings.  So, out from under the pile of registration forms and information I crawled this week, ready to face this summer "break."

I should feel happy, right?  Back "in control"?  (Yah, right!)  But instead, I felt guilt creeping in, causing me to doubt my plans.  Why in the world am I not as excited for the summer break as every other mom I talk to is??  Well, the answer to that question is hard for me to swallow...

My AOAFYO, bless her little heart, is a constant challenge for me.  The bouncing, the jumping, the non-stop chatter, the constant demands and (especially!) the urge she has to instigate trouble with the little guys.  All of these things are button pushers for this momma and let me tell you, my AOAFYO has them all perfected.  Seriously!!  If there was an Olympic event for jumping from the couch to the ottoman and landing two feet on the floor quick enough for your mom to turn around and NOT be able to catch you in the act, she'd win the gold medal!! 

Knowing that I can be a bit of a perfectionist, I try to stop myself from feeling guilty and beating myself up that I can't be the perfect mom who gets this lively AOAFYO to listen, to behave, and treat her siblings with a kind and loving heart.  Most times, that's easier said than done.  And, my desire to understand WHY I struggle to keep my AOAFYO busy and happy at home can eat away at my confidence as a mother.  

I haven't thought of this in ages, but this post made me dig up exactly what I needed right now.  God works in mysterious ways...

Our pastor's words during my AOAFYO's christening:

"...she comes to you filled with infinite possibilities of good. She comes to teach you, as well as to learn from you.  Even when you doubt your ability to parent, know that you have been divinely selected as her parent.  Your strengths will be the perfect support she needs and your weaknesses the perfect vehicle for strengthening her through her life. "

                                                     Okay.  Let the summer fun begin!